(MrThunderBolt) If your very life depended on performing an amazing dance routine on "So you think you can dance," what dance routine would it be, what song, etc? Do you think, given all the Paula Abdul and Madonna music videos you've seen, you could successfully go to the next round?
(Matt) Well, I wouldn't really want to dance on "so you think you can dance". That would be too much pressure. And some of the judges get pretty annoying. But I'd definitely win "Dancing With The Stars" if I was on that. I really think I could. I'd have to get in shape and stuff, but it'd be good. And if I had to do my best dance ever then I'd do it to Paula Abdul's "Cold Hearted". I'd study up on good 80's dance videos like Madonna and stuff and do those moves. Actually, I already do that anyway, so I'm already prepared. Or I'd copy some really good dance routine from the movie "Cabaret". Something really provocative like that.
Remember when you caught me swearing on the school bus in elementary school? I was reading bad words that were written on the seat... Would you like to explain to our readers how and why you got me to turn myself in to mom?
Man, I can't really remember that well. I think I said that I was going to tell on you, but that you'd probably get in less trouble if you told on yourself. Little kids do weird stuff like that. At first I thought you were talking about when I wrote bad words on the back of a bus seat with a paper clip. And then I was smart enough to write my name right next to the large F words that I'd inscribed on the seat. I got caught and went to the principals office and then he called you in to testify against me. I remember he asked you if I wrote the stuff and you said "No" with the straightest face possible. You looked so convincing that I almost believed you. And then this other witness testified that I did it, so got in trouble. I was really proud/impressed with your deceitfulness.
So there are two times I can think of when someone's tried to mess with me and you summoned superhuman strength and regulated pretty good: Logan and the Eiffel Tower. What goes through your mind and body to give you such strength? What does it feel like to have such strength for a brief moment in time? And would you like to tell any of the Logan story since we've already told the Eiffel Tower one?
I'm just really, really protective of my younger brother, so I don't really care who I have to fight to protect you. I don't lose my mind, but I can go nuts sometimes. I guess I can talk about the Logan ordeal. Jon and I were in our car and this girl, I can remember her name, she went up to the passenger side and spit on Jon cause he said something that pissed her off. He got out of the car and ran after her and spit on her. So she turned around and kicked him in the balls pretty hard. So then Jon decided to give her the good old back-hand. Sean Connery condone's it, so I guess he thought that would be alright. Well, it turns out that it wasn't alright with the chick's boyfriend (Logan) who was standing right there. He came behind Jon and sucker punched him in the head. So Jon turned around and gave him a good right jab in the eye. Then Logan, who was like at least 6 feet tall, started swinging at Jon and Jon fell back onto the ground. So Logan just kept hitting down on him. I was in the car and as soon as I saw Logan hit Jon and jumped out of the car and ran as fast as I could at him. I had a pretty good speed when I reached him so I just grabbed him and threw pretty far. It was like 10 or so feet. He flew out into the street and then I pounced on top of him like a cat. At that point he knew he was screwed. I had him pinned down and I could have just pounded in his face, but I've hit enough people and so I wanted to try something new. I always had this fantasy of gauging someone's eye (I was a little weird) and so it was kinda like on the Karate Kid where he goes "Live or die man!" and then squeezes the nose, except I plunged my finger into his eye. I just kept pushing in really deep and he screamed and squirmed around on the ground and his girlfriend started crying and begged me to let him go, so I stood up over him and said "Don't F$%# With Us!" And he was pretty nice to me after that. So that's that. My brothers and I all got eachothers backs.
Ok, here's the mandatory Bolts of Thunder Cast-Away question. You know the drill. Who would be on the island with you, and why?
Hmm, i like everybody. Well, Dan seems to be the go-to man, but anyone who's seen me play croquet with him knows that it would be fun at first, but things would turn ugly fast. I'd lose it, and since there's no one else around, the temptation of getting away with murder could be too much for me to handle (sorry Dan. It's not you, it's me). I could have fun with anyone, but I'd have to go with either one of my brothers. Jon and I are a good team, so that's a given. We do everything together, we might as well be stranded together. But Brian and I both got our wilderness survival merit badges together, so I already know we could hack it. At scout camp we had to go out in the woods and build our own forts and sleep in them for the night. I think I was too lazy and stupid to build my own, so I hardly even tried. I just watched Brian build this really nice fort and then he invited me over for dinner. We both knew I wasn't gonna leave his fort, so he didn't even try giving me the boot. But if we were on an island now, I'd definitely pull my weight. I watch "Man vs Wild" often, so I'd know what to do. And how could I not feel safe and secure with someone who spent a year in Iraq mowin' down Jihad Mothereffers on the top of a Humvee. If he can handle bullets and bombs going off around him, I'm pretty sure he could handle some cannibals with spears. And I'd have his back.
When I discussed this scenario with Dave, he saw you as becoming a type of figurative monarch for the Bolts of Thunder tribe. Do you see yourself able to fulfill this position?
I could probably do that. I hate to say that I'd be a part of it without doing anything, but it seems like that sometimes. I'm trying to put in my work though. And I'm capable of getting stuff done when I need to. I just look scary sometimes and that seems to be an advantage to our little platoon.
Who would win in a fight, Sean Connery or Samuel L Jackson?
that's not even fair. how can you pick a winner. Sean Connery once beat up this gangster Johnny Stompanato cause the gangster pulled out a gun and threated to kill him. He beat him up, took the gun away, and kicked him off the movie lot. that's pretty cool. I couldn't pick a winner though.
You seem to have a lot of amazing poop stories, would you like to share any for our readers?
In middle school i'd bum money off kids and then buy Reese's Pieces and then get diarrhea immediately afterwards. I don't like to sit on toilet seats so I'd just squat over the seat at school, but once I was leaned forward too much and my butt was pointed back too far and I sprayed diarrhea all over the wall. I just wiped myself and high-tailed it outta there. And then once at college I was pooping in a handicapped stall and this handicapped kid in a wheelchair rolled up to the door and just yanked the door open. He had really strong arms from pushing himself around. I looked at him and then looked down at my balls, which were on display, and then apologized to him. He rolled away. I don't know why I apologized. The worst was when I was at a little league baseball game a couple years ago in Lehi and I used the toilet there. There was crap and piss all over the floor and toilet and there was a huge line to use it, but it was the only stall available. I think I had eaten a J-Dawg and rootbeer and got diarrhea. So I got in the stall and I didn't have the strength to just squat over it, so I used my right arm to lean up against the back wall. So I had my legs spread and I was standing over the toilet and once I leaned back I was pretty much stuck in that position. But it was alright cause it was gonna take some time. Well then this cowboy just came busting through the door. I couldn't pull up my pants or anything cause I was stuck in position, so I just stood there with my legs spread, pants around my ankles, genitals on display, and liquid fecal matter expelling itself from between my legs. Instead of turning around and shutting the door, the guy just stood there and stared at me. I think he was just shocked to see something so weird. I just tell that to myself so I don't have to feel like i've been the victim of a pervert. But i didn't know what to do and I felt bad for making him see that, so I apologized to him. After I apologized he shut the door and left. And then my step-brother's team lost their game, so that sucked too.
When's the last time you violently threw up?
umm, i think it was a year and a half ago at christmas. yeah, i threw up six times on christmas day. it was from eating a Costa Vida burrito or salad... i can't remember which. But it was the black beans that got me down. As soon as that last been came up out of my mouth I knew I was better.
What goes through your mind when you're bombing a steep grass hill or riding a bike down a 25 stair?
I just hope that it's enough to entertain someone cause I have nothing else to offer. And I'm also wondering why I've been reduced to doing circus tricks to get friends.
What's your earliest memory?
My mom would pin me on the ground and then she'd have Jon sit on my face with his poopy diaper on. She thought it was pretty funny. I didn't share in the enthusiasm. I remember I was walking and then my mom grabbed me and pinned me down and called to Jon. I saw him come crawling from behind this chair. He looked pretty excited and he was crawling fast. He just crawled right onto my face and sat on it. My mom was laughing really hard and just held me down for a minute. Jon had a pretty quick crawl, so he was probably getting close to walking, so I was 2, almost 3 at the time.
What would you like to say to our Bolts of Thunder readers?
If you've never done a crappy job in your life then it's not a bad idea to do it cause it'll help you appreciate your future jobs. I just started a job as a security guard where I sit at a welcome desk for 5 hours a day. I can't play on a computer or anything. I just sit there. But after being an ice cream man, being a security guard is the equivalent of a normal person winning the lottery. Seriously. Being told by 8 year old girls that you're a loser can really make you reflect on what you've been doing in your life to get you to that point. I dare anyone to become an ice cream man. Yeah, do it, and you'll get free Bolts of Thunder merchandise. Oh, and I just wanna say that Dan is gonna have a very memorable part in the new video. I can't wait for everyone to see what he's been up to. He's amazing, and I think his part does a great job at showcasing who he really is. That's it.
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