Monday, January 30, 2012
Thanks, Brian, you made your voice heard. You're right, we did used to have vision. We've gone blind, as it were, to things pertaining to our future. We got so caught up in the moment, the fame and glory of the post Gone Wild days that we lost our vision of the future. Being at my age, I'm just too tired to get that vision back again... But anyway, here's Zak Smith doing a back smith. What an interesting play on words. Oh, the possibilities?... Yes, you guessed it, I feel a poem coming on:
across that gap
loves to back smith
tall in height
not long in width
presenting a fight
it did giveth
but rolling triumphant
Zak did go
and when he will do it again
we do not know
but to our hero
go our praises
as zak smith
back smiths for dayses
I think it sums things up here. Now I must go for I've got a hot meal waiting for me on the table, and I'm not one to turn down a hot meal, not for you, not for nobody!
Friday, January 27, 2012
Ok, the people have spoken loud and clear. I will not argue with you, although I might not agree with you. But I respect you answer. Silence. You think I can't do that either, just be silent? Well that's it, if you're going to be silent, I'm going to be silent too! From now on, I'll be silent. Then you'll see what it's like to be with someone that's silent! From now on, I won't talk anymore! Then you'll see how I feel. Silence, from now on..... ...... .... I'm not going to say another word.... ... for the rest of the post! .. .....
So the other day I remembered this really bizarre incident from a couple years back, and it's come up a couple more times in my mind in the last day, so I thought I'd share it with you. Not that this story is in any way related to your life, my life, or life in general. It teaches you no life stories, it will probably leave you feeling confused, but it might entertain you. When I say this happened a couple years back, I mean that it happened when I was like 12 or something. So a couple years back means 15 years ago and then some... And don't ask me what reminded me of this story, I don't know what did, and I don't know why my brain didn't put it in the recycle bin years ago. But anyway, it's still in the memory bank, so I'm going to share it with you. Probably because it's so bizarre, that's why I still remember it. Alright, Jon, get on with the story! Seriously, I've read two full paragraphs of crap already while I wait to hear this story. Just get on with it! Well fine then, I will....
So those of you who don't know my mom all that well, she's the cutest and cuddlest little mother you'll ever meet in your life. She's barely pushing 5'2"... no, I lied, 5' 3/4". I cannot tell a lie... She can make the best plate of cookies you've ever tasted in your life, and she'll do it for you in a heart beat. Long story short, she's a sweet woman, and a fun one to hang out with. But don't let her friendliness fool you. Do not equate coolness/friendliness for pushoverness, because she will not be pushed around! I put an exclamation mark there to emphasize the point, if you even try to push her around, you few people in the world that dare, you will not make it far because she will plant her 5'2" body firmly on the ground and refuse to budge an inch. That's one thing I admire about her because I'm a pretty big push over. Anyway, so we lived in this neighborhood in St. George of old people. It wasn't a retirement home community, but it was designed and intended to be one, and we were the only young family that lived in the area. All kinds of hell would break loose as a result of age differences between us and our neighbors on a regular basis, and I'll just sum it up by saying we were pretty hated by everyone. So that didn't help when my mom went to the community pool house and walked in on one of the more established, well-respected members of the community having sex with a woman that was not his wife in the hot tub. When I tell you he was an older man, we're talking retired, wrinkly, slumped over, shriveled appendages old man. That all applies for the old woman too, she was quite aged and disgusting herself. My little sister was with my mom and is probably still suffering PTS from the situation, and my mom thoroughly rebuked the old people. To make things worse, he was a member of our church, so this was a pretty sad thing to see. The old man denied it all to his dying breath (he didn't die, but his heart rate, I would imagine, was probably dangerously high for a man of his age), and we didn't have the required reputation or video/photo proof necessary to convict him and get his pool-using privileges revoked. Yeah, my mom fought it all the way up to the highest levels of the community management, and we lost... They honestly said that they only way they would believe us is if we had pictures. Crazy old people...
So a couple weeks went on and my mom forbid us from using the hot tub because he had spread "his disease everywhere in it!" Yeah, none of us wanted to go in those murky waters anyway... But the pool house had other privileges that we enjoyed, such as ping pong, a pool table, and a gym. So I went there with my mom a couple weeks later to play some ping pong or something, and who do you think we saw in the hot tub? The funny thing was that the old man and old woman didn't see or hear us walk in to the pool house because the hot tub is on the other side of a glass door, and they were too preoccupied to notice us walk in. My initial response was to hide because it was a disgusting sight seeing old people make out, but my mom wouldn't have it. In the mouth and eyes of two or more witnesses shall every accusation be made, as the good book says, or at least that's how I interpret it... So my mom had me walk behind her as we walked through the changing room and into the pool room where we flipped on the lights in the hot tub and exposed them to the light. The old man screamed "turn off the lights!!!" and the old woman hurried out of the hot tub. All she was wearing was a shirt, and she looked really embarrassed. The old man looked furious, but my mom was even more furious. "You don't EVER talk to my son like that!!!!" I was the one that turned on the lights, so we assumed they were screaming at me. The old man was shocked at the fight my mom was ready to bring. "Well I don't like the bright ligh-" the old man started "NO!!! You don't EVER talk to ME or MY FAMILY LIKE THAT!!!!" I've known few things for sure in my life. One of them is don't play with guns kids, people die that way. The second thing I knew for sure, and I knew it for sure at this moment, was you don't talk to me or my family like that. That was for sure. That shut the old guy up pretty fast, but she was ready for blows if it came to that. I was super awkward seeing old people in that situation, but I'd have to say, I was pretty proud of my mom for standing up to him like that. I wouldn't have.
So we turned the guy in, and he denied it again, even when we had several witnesses. As part of a long conspiracy against my family, our magnetic cards to get into the pool house were eventually demagnetized, and we lost all pool privileges. But my mom sent a message pretty loud and clear to the retired community of St George that day - you don't talk to our family like that! As far as I can remember, the old people hated us even more, but they left us alone after that. We lived out the rest of our days in that home hated and despised by our neighbors, and we didn't care. We skated there driveways by day and ran on the golf course by night, but they didn't do anything to us again....
As you tried hard to get the image of the old people and their dirty deeds out of your mind for the weekend, study Brian Barlow's frontside airtime in the mega ramp. My wife took these pictures...
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Turns out that Zak Smith's glasses actually help him read. I always thought he wore them because if he didn't, he'd shoot lazer beams out of his eyes, like Cyclops of the X-Men. So yes, you're right, I tried pulling a fast one on him yesterday by directly referring to Seinfeld without citing it, and I didn't think he'd notice it. But those elusive eye glasses of his don't miss a thing, and he picked right up on it and called me out....
I refuse to accept the notion that Bolts of Thunder has done nothing for anyone in the past year. If you don't know what I'm talking about, make sure and read yesterday's post. If you did read yesterday's post and you still don't know what I'm talking about, then I guess Bolts of Thunder really has done nothing for anyone. But still, I refuse to accept that. So my invitation is still extended to all of you die hard Thundies the world over, we'd like to hear your comments. Or at least wish us happy birthday! I mean, come on, we've been through a lot, can't I at least get a happy birthday wish from you?
To wrap things up here, that kid on the bike rode straight over this flat gap. No joke, he didn't even attempt to bunny hop. He just went mach 4 and rode straight over it. Don't believe me? Look at those sickly arms. You think they could lift up that bike over that gap? No, no they could not... He's just lucky that Sir Isaac Newton invented inertia or he'd be dead in that pit...
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
That's right, today the Bolts of Thunder blog turned the ripe age of 1 year! A year ago today we wrote our first couple of posts on this blog. A day to remember... Look it up if you don't believe me, you'll find some good stuff. Gold, Jerry, gold! Bolts of Thunder itself is actually a couple years older than that, but the blog is a year old. On our birthday, I thought I'd spoil ourselves a little and put up a picture of us flexing some muscle and reinstating our authority. Literally. I guess I needed to after Sunday's It: The Boogedy Man post. You all lost respect for me... Matt and I have worked hard this past year to make your lives more enjoyable, and we hope you enjoy what Bolts of Thunder has put out. Because put out, we have. Then that's Dan in the background, flexing some muscle as well, just for good cause. That mostly naked woman, that's Shereen, and she does not write any of our posts. But she does ride a skateboard and support Garrett, and she's really cool, so we thought we'd give her some recognition too.
Anyway, we'd like to now leave you some silent time of reflection where you can think of all the amazing ways Bolts of Thunder has changed your life over the past year. Feel free to comment... I for one, have had a project to work on which keeps me out of trouble and my head on straight, so I've appreciated it. And it's just good old fashioned fun...
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
AJ and the powerful baseball bats of the Thunder Bolt hazers, not to be mistaken for the Thunder Bolt haters. They're a different group of people and are unfriendly towards Bolts of Thunder
This is the third time in the last couple weeks that I've introduced a new Thundie on the blog. Bolts of Thunder is truly expanding its horizon into deep and dangerous waters... His name is AJ and he hales from the San Diego regions of California, whatever that means. He's a board technician, twirling his board in and out of hot and warm pockets of air, causing it to do amazing things and come back to his feet. Word on the street is that AJ is certified in extremely slick ledge skating with an emphasis in fakie. But that's just talk, who knows if it's really true?... Sticking with tradition, in order to initiate AJ into the Bolts of Thunder blog, we raided his house the other day, stuck a bucket over his head, and beat him severely with a baseball bat. You all went through it too, so you know how much of a better person you are now as a result of tough Thunder Bolt love. As AJ recovers from his Bolts of Thunder-style hazing and concussion, why don't you all give our man a warm welcome to the blog, Thunder Bolt style!
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Remember on the movie "It" when you were scared out of your mind until it finally showed the monster at the end and it's just a big robotic spider? At that point you were not only no longer scared, but you had also completely lost all respect for the monster. The monster, who am I kidding? You lost respect for the movie and anyone or anything having to do with the movie. A similar example might be the movie "The Boogy Man". Although I haven't seen it, I hear it has quite a similar let-down ending of revealing a down syndrome boogy man with a bag over his head at the end of the movie. Well, dear reader, I'm sorry to tell you, but this post may just be in the same category of ultimate let-down experiences. I want you to take a look, a good look at that picture above. You see that? That it an old ape-man, worn and beaten by the storms of time and the woes of life. He has no shame for he has nothing left to be ashamed of. He is hated of men and despised of his own friends. He is a hiss, a byword, an outcast. Who, you might ask yourself, would ever associate themselves with such a person? Who, in their sober state of mind, would willingly listen to what this man has to say? I'm sorry to do it to you like this, dear reader, but I am obligated to tell you the truth. This shell of an ape-man you see above is the very one that has been entertaining your life for the past year. It is I, the writer, and I am coming clean with who I truly am. Take a good look. This is what I look like when I am writing a post on the blog. I had no idea, but I found this picture my wife took of me and was ashamed by it. Once I discovered who I truly am, I felt it only appropriate to come clean to the rest of the world and show you who is behind your daily source of life and joy...
On a plus side, I will say this. As you can see in the photo, I finally have a real chair to sit on, and the exercise ball can relax in its corner. This opens up all kinds of avenues for exercise and physical well being that I have yet to discover...
Friday, January 20, 2012
This is the link to a video that Dave made and sent me. You should all watch it and think of what you would have done in his situation. I would have stopped trying. But that just ain't the Dave way. The Dave way is much higher than that. The Dave way is to crush your body so hard that it can't feel anything for days, that way you can keep skating now. The Dave way is to yell and curse at your obstacle until it finally gives in. The Dave way is to lose sleep for months stressing over tricks you want to land for your homie video. The Dave way is to go for it no matter who or what might be standing in your way, and in style at that. The Dave way is to take as long as you need, even if that means jumping off a roof for an hour. The Dave way says that if you must go down, you might as well make it look good... "For your skating is not Dave's skating, neither are your ways Dave's ways. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are Dave's ways higher than your ways, and Dave's skating than your skating..." -1 Dave 3:16
Thursday, January 19, 2012
This is Matt. He's been killing every thing in sight lately, like a terminator with his red killing eye scope. Watch out for Matt, cause he's got one of those too! Here's Matt in semi-unfriendly territory (the constant stream of bikers, you and old, that flows through this region of the American Fork park, sorry, AF, is what causes this region to be unfriendly. The lurking eyes and games of skate on the opposite corner of the park also constitute that region as semi-unfriendly. I prefer the area just east of the banks. Nobody bothers you there...) doing what Matt's do best. But I'm not going to tell you what that is. You're going to live the rest of your foreseeable future wondering if Matt was doing a back smith, backside 5-0, swish grind, or a ramdy-hunk across that coping, unless I decide to tell you... Ok, I give in. It was all of them! All at the exact same time. Almost blew the lens straight off my camera when it happened, but I kept things together and snapped off a shot or two. I guess that's it. Consider your blog reading for the done over with. Unless you missed a day, you still need to catch up on that day.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Yes, this post is coming to you late in the game. For two reasons. The first being that Windows computers are so completely outdated that they should be shot. Lined up and shot dead as they wait for an hour to reboot, load java scraps, block start up programs, and update windows programs before you can even wiggle the mouse. Deviate from that path but an inch and the computer won't respond to your feeble threats for a good 20 minutes more, just to spite you. Dead serious, it just took my computer 20 minutes to restart after it decided to crash on me in the middle of my hard work. That's reason number one. But reason number two is far more important. I'm teaching you true principles here. Like that old saying about when you kill a man a fish, that's just once, but when you kill fish every day, that feeds a man for a life time. I'm teaching you to be true killers of fish, not those pansies that wait around for the fish guts to be thrown out as scraps. So you should thank me for helping you build character.
Weston took these pictures with his cell phone. Like Weston, his phone is even a better photographer than other phones, and it makes stuff look cooler than they really are. This is me doing a kickflip into a bank, and the pictures make it look way more epic than it really even is. The third picture was taken by Weston on my camera which is such an honor for me to see that my camera is capable of cool stuff when someone that knows what they're doing uses it. Anyway, that's it, end of post.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
That's right, I'm doing this to you. I'm debuting two new Thundies to the blog two days in a row at the same spot. Deal with it, get over it, and move on with your life. That's the only way because I am not taking these pictures down. What has been done here today will not be undone... This is Ben. I don't even know his last name. But he looks confused. He's wondering why life has brought him so low as to be fighting for precious air-time on the Bolts of Thunder blog. In fact, he didn't even fight for this time, he just skated. I took the pictures and fought for him to be here. But that doesn't make things easier on him...
So Ben's coming out of the gates charging with a board flip and spin over the play ground grass gap. You know which one I'm talking about. Man, looking at these pictures, you would never know that it is January in Provo. I took these pictures just a couple days ago, last Friday. It was 50 + degrees outside and not a hint of snow on the ground. Is that what we've been debased to on the blog, talking about the weather? I'm sorry...
I don't have much else to say. I've got a pile of dishes that need some talkin to, books that need to be read, and a rock in my colon from holding it during my class that needs to be let go and forgotten of, so I should get going now. But look at these pictures of Ben and praise his board flip and spinning skills.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Technology is the way of the future. The chainsaw did a pretty good job of proving that to Paul Bunion way back when. I realize that every time cars pass me on my bike as I ride to Matt's house to play Contra. The machine is faster than the man, I'm sorry to tell you all. Anyway, seeing as technology is the direction we should all be heading in, Bolts of Thunder has invested all of your stock money (thank you for your contributions, we would not survive without them...) into this new technology developed by Captain America's scientists. Actually, Samuel L. Jackson invented it when he was wearing his little eye patch, so you know it's got to be good. So we have this new machine where we take our scrawny bodies, stick them inside, inject ourselves with highly concentrated superhuman brain juice, and we come out as super men. Well, we were all a little curious. What happens when you take a natural-born super man then hop him up on brain juice? Being the curious people we are, we got Wizard to sign up. We stuck him in our machine, strapped him down, and injected his veins with blue matter. The results were astonishing; as this mega heelflip demonstrates, Wizard can now jump several feet higher, he's taller, and he's probably way stronger too. Yeah, he is. He's way stronger. Now that we know the machine works, I'm next up. I want to be able to grow a beard, a real man's beard, so I'm going to go through the painful brain man juice therapy, hoping it will fill my body with the required levels of testosterone and overall manliness required to grow a respectable beard...
Ok, now's probably time to let the cat out of the bag. I lied to you. You shouldn't be shocked, I lie to you all the time. But this lie was straight to your face, I didn't flinch, blink, look away, or stop nervous head bobbing/shaking as I stared you in the eyes. I just looked normal at you, and you believed me. Yeah, I lied. That's right, feet on my couch, don't care who you are! I've told you that before, but you didn't believe me. But now that I've lied to me, you've believed me, and I've turned myself in, you realize now that the bottoms of my feet are covered in doodoo, they're on your couch, and I don't care who you are! But I'm sorry, truly sorry about the doodoo, I recommend Tide. It should get the stain out... Back to my original point. That is not Wizard hopped up on highly concentrated superhuman brain juice. Rather, it is Wizard as he will probably look in a couple of years. It is Wizard's older brother, Gene Simmons. You know, from Kiss. You didn't recognize him because he's not wearing his make up. But it's him... I lied again. It's Wizard's older brother, Tyler. As far as I can tell, Tyler's got mega pop, he rips, and he seemed like a nice guy when I met him. At least decent enough to skate with. Well, I don't know, I didn't really talk to him all that much, but still, that's beside the point. I'll stick with what I originally said, he's a nice guy. So here it is, young and old, Tyler Wizbang Sr's proud introduction to Bolts of Thunder (round of applause)!!!
Friday, January 13, 2012
This is Zak Smith. If you're in the market for Zak Smith, this is where you come. I don't know what you'd do with him, but I can tell you what he'd do with you. He'd crooked grind you till there was nothing left to grind. This post is sounding really strange and isn't starting off the way I intended. Let's restart.
So Zak Smith rips. These photos are proof of that. Well, the first photo, at least. The second photo is the limited edition Zak Smith portrait shot. I say he uses this photo when he turns in his mission papers. While we're on the subject, I would like to publicly wish Zak the best in finishing his papers and getting his mission call. Good luck, Zak!
Now that I'm on another tangent, as one thought was randomly led to another, I remembered a couple days ago the very moment that my body started going through puberty. Or at least the day we discovered it. I was 10. A little early, but what can I say, I try real hard... So my mom was worried about me because I said that my groin area itched and hurt some time. Having a family history of plants growing on our bodies where they shouldn't, my mom took no chances and took me to the doctor. Being the first doctors visit I can remember, I now correlate doctors with having to pull your pants down. This proved true a couple weeks ago at my yearly physical. My doctor made me pull my pants down to my knees as I stood in front of him. My wife sat in the corner of the room and laughed. Well, Rachel, you got yours a couple minutes later... I felt like a 4 year old getting in trouble, it was so embarrassing... Anyway, so as a 10 year old, the doctor examined me and proudly pronounced to my mom, "Mrs Hart, your son is going through puberty!" I didn't know what puberty even was, but I remembered from my sex ed class the year before (in 4th grade we watched a video about sex ed. We mostly just laughed when it showed the cartoon profile shots of male genitalia, and my teacher ended up yelling at the class for being immature. Yeah, we were 9 years old, what were expecting from us?), and I knew that hair was going to start growing in dark places. My mom was really proud of me for a couple of days, like I had tried real hard to go through puberty, and now I was succeeding after trying so hard for so long. I didn't do anything, I just played outside. Nonetheless, my mom was quite proud of me and announced it to the family. It was then that my mom's dream of me being in a band called "Jon and the Hairy Stinky Armpits" become a very real possibility. I have yet to live up to this dream...
To end this post, I'll comment on Dave's comment of yesterday's post. No Dave, I actually still have control of my bowels. With all those raw veggies and whole grain that I eat, they're as strong as a horse and as clear as my conscience. I'm holding out on my bowels, and I have no intention of losing those any time soon. Thanks for keeping tabs!
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Coleman's been on some kind of spot-killing spree as of late. Here he can be seen with a spinning front board over and around this salt lake planter with a 270 out. No joke. I wanted to film it, but the street security guard kicked us out... These pictures are yet again evidence of my wife's photographic abilities. She took these. I can take no credit whatsoever in their existence other than I supplied the camera. That was it. I have lost just about everything else in my life, why not lose control over the blog as well?
Here's some fun news for you. I won't give you too many details yet, I'll keep it a little fuzzy and mysterious just because I want to, but Bolts of Thunder may soon be pilgrimaging out to California for a little rendez-vous with Radiohead. No joke. I will say no more, but I will leave you with the question in your mind of what in the world I'm talking about and all that doubt about what I'm even saying. But be not doubting, but be believing... I'm really hungry, my fingers are shaking as I write, and I think it's affecting what's being written. What are you blabbering about? That's a good question. I'll stop right there.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
This just in! In response to today's post from earlier, we have a special news cast about Dave, possibly from Dave, as follows:
"Head-On will take you on! Head-On will take on anyone!"
Just amazing... Ok, read today's earlier post. It's much better than this one and probably won't get Linkin Park songs stuck in your head. Sorry...
Some would call it laziness. No, most would call it laziness. I called it a science experiment of sorts. I wanted to see what would happen to a pumpkin that was exposed to the elements and harsh conditions for several months. So there it sat, in front of my door step, for over two months. All other pumpkins in the neighborhood had been properly disposed of or smashed a long time ago, but ours, hidden behind our car from the view of the public, stayed safe. And there it lie, waiting, waiting for the day of its deliverance to come. That deliverance came in the form of my foot a couple days ago, poking a hole into the side of it. Poisonous gasses escaped from it as the pumpkin slowly imploded on itself. It was pretty fascinating to watch. I kept thinking, "Dan would have liked to see this..." Rachel eventually threw the pumpkin away when it was apparent that it had lost its original form and now resembled a shrunken head more than a pumpkin. It's gone now...
Finding no relevant segway into what I'm going to say now, I'm just going to disregard the first paragraph and continue as though this were the beginning of the post. I want to thank Dave for commenting on the post from last week with the link J-Deb's video. I, too, felt that someone should have posted on that. So thanks, Dave. As a reward for commenting, I put up 15 pictures of Dave on today's post. Count 'em, 15! This grass ride is one of the craziest things you could do on an old school board. First of all, you don't have the best control when ollieing on those things because the wheels, board, and trucks are way bigger than what you're used to. Second of all, that grass ride is not very smooth, there are holes all over the place waiting to ensnare one of your wheels, sending you hurling in the air to a rocky grave below. And that brings us to our third point. The rocks. They are large, many, and unforgiving. If you were to go in them, flying face first like you have a good chance of doing when ollieing into this grass bank, you would expect some kind of head trauma and bruised ribs. Those are the kinds of rocks we're talking about. Anyway, this grass ride is nuts, so of course Dave stepped up to the challenge and tackled it head on, Bolts of Thunder style. No, Dave style. Bolts of Thunder style is a little more beat around the bush, waste your time kind of style. Dave is head on.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
In this memorial post, Bolts of Thunder returns to its dirty-South roots. You probably didn't even know Bolts of Thunder was from the south. Neither did we until the rest of the skate industry discovered that they were. Now that everyone is talking like they're hardened south-Georgians, we figured we would too. You know, jump on the band wagon. Do what everyone else is doing. Not because deep within us we think it's right, good, or even cool to say things like, "yo mang!" every time we answer the phone, but because everyone else is doing it. So we will too. So as you read this post, put my voice two octaves lower than usual, mesh all sounds together into one word, cut out the last couple consonants of words, pronounce "th" as "d", and put the emphasis on any vowels I use. Let me give you an example. "Get off my thing, chicken wing!" would be translated "Gettohf my tdang, chyckinwang!" You get the idea. Shall we procede?
I guess I don't really have much else to say. That intro wasn't really an intro. It was a eulogy. A eulogy to this post. Because it's dead. Actually not, I do have something to say now that I've looked at the pictures. The last picture is Brian Barlow doing a manuel taken by my wife Rachel, and Daewon Song gave it a double tap on Instogram (turns out histogram is really instogram. I think) meaning that he liked the picture. One more feather in our Bolts of Thunder cap. That's right Brian and Rachel, Bolts of Thunder is taking all the credit on this one. Then since I put up a picture that Rachel took, I thought I would put up all pictures that Rachel took. The first two you wish I didn't put up, but I put them up anyway. They are of me trying to plunge the toilet while I splashed my own fecal matter all over myself and while Rachel laughed at me. The next two pictures are of me doing kickflips. Rachel took those pictures. I'm very proud of her timing and camera placement. She's showing great potential... I guess that's it for today. I hope you enjoyed listening to me as a dirty southerner, and I hope we can do it again some time.