Interview with a vagrant

I would like to thank Dave, Matt, and Ammon for asking me some questions. I guess I don't have much to say by way of introductions, you all know me. At least you think you do... 

David

Hey Jon, what if your Mom pinned Matt down today? Would you shart yourself and sit on his face?

(Me) Well Dave, I can't change who I am. I am a sharter. I always have been, and I probably always will be. I'm not opposed to the idea of sharting and sitting on Matt's face, but I don't think I would get away with it. If Matt caught wind of what was going on, if he felt my mom spring on top of him to hold him down and saw his 26 year old brother crawling around the corner with crap in his pants and a crazed look in his eyes, he'd definitely summon the strength to repel both of our attacks. The only way this would be remotely possible would be if I snuck up on Matt when he was sleeping and tried it. But even then, Hannah, his wife, screams and flails around around in the bed every time something moves or makes noise in the house while she's sleeping, so I don't think I'd make it past his security system. Years of breathing in poopy diapers has made Matt all the wiser, and he has set up a pretty secure system to make sure it doesn't happen again.

David

Are your feelings hurt that nobody picked you for the island? Yeah, Matt sort of picked you, but it seemed like he favored Brian. Why do you think that is?

No, my feelings aren't hurt. I'm glad that nobody wants me to be with them on that stupid island... I hate that island! With all it's pretty beaches and coconuts... Actually, now that I think about it, I'm a little surprised that nobody's picked me. I lived in the Caribbean for 2 years, so I know how to climb coconut trees, cut a coconut, keep mosquitoes off me, make clothing out of palm leaves (seriously, I do), and all kinds of other stuff. I think I could come in handy out there on that island. Plus, I've survived some weird situations. Like going to Africa, that was a 2 week long game of "Survivor: Botswana/South Africa". Yeah, why doesn't anyone pick me, I could pull my weight?... Anyway, I think the real reason people don't pick me is because I'm like the task master with Bolts of Thunder, and nobody wants to be on the island with their boss, you know how it is. Yeah, that's why nobody wants me on the island...

David

Is there going to be some more blading in your new part?

Quite possibly. The last time I tried to rollerblade, I slipped out really bad and my wrists hurt for months. I can't risk that kind of injury again. I do have a couple exercise moves in my part though, I demonstrate how to properly perform a leg lift.

Ammon

Remember that scandal back in 2004 when you got caught collecting pubes off of soap bars? What has been the impact of that even on you and your family? Do you still consider yourself skateboarding's role model?

I thought we were past all this Ammon. And I thought you said you weren't going to bring it up anymore... Since the events of that cold day, my life has been forever changed. I have had to unfortunately relinquish my title as skateboarding's role model in order to seek after professional help. I was thrown out of a clinic 30 minutes after I checked myself in, and I haven't had help since. But I wish people would still accept me for who I am. I wish my family and friends would completely and unwaveringly forgive me and forget about it.

Ammon

What would you do if someone accused you of being a scoundrel and a baby eater?

I'd give the man or woman who dare say that to me a backhand 'cross the face, spit on them, then eat their baby.

Matt

What's the scariest trick you've ever tried?

The most recent one that comes to mind is trying that gap to power box to mega gap out. I don't really know why I wanted to do it so bad because I was so frightened of it. It's weird too, because the first time I skated it was at night, I could hardly see anything. It was so dark you couldn't even see it in the camera. Then the next day I 5-0ed it and slammed on it pretty good. I thought for sure I was going to break my knee because of how off-balanced I was in the air. Every time I tried it I had some kind of crazy slam. I had a couple nightmares of that thing, like breaking my leg on it and stuff. So that didn't make it easier when I went there to try it, but I tried it anyway. 

Going back a couple years, a pretty scary trick was this front board I did on an 11 stair in St George way back when. I was 18, so that was over 8 years ago. I always thought it would be rad if someone skated the rail, but nobody ever did. Then one day the "Termite" team came through St George. Termite was a team for little kids, they made boards for little kids to skate. They were supposed to put on a demo at the St. George park, so we all showed up. It looked like a day car center with like 10 little kids with bright red and blue helmets trying to ollie on flat ground. Then the driver dude, he was like a 40 year old man that drove a bunch of 9 year olds around in a van-kind of weird and creepy dude, asked us if we knew of any spots they could skate, specifically any handrails. I was with Chris Ray, Matt Pace, and Randy Delucchi, so we went out to this 11 stair. I thought we were taking the little kids to their deaths, this was a pretty big rail. But this little kid Evan got out of the van and boardslid it first or second try. After that we all knew the rail was skateable, an 11 year old showed up generations of St. George skaters that threatened to skate the rail. So a couple months later when my foot got better (it was broken when we went there with the kids), I went back and front boarded it. I was super nervous, but Matt Pace got me motivated to do it by singing 2112, the Rush song. So I tried it a couple times, slid to the bottom, my wheel flew off the board when I was on the rail, and I slammed at the bottom. That completely destroyed my trucks, so I couldn't skate it any more. I was pretty bummed, but there was nothing to do. So that night I was talking to some friends and told them that I tried the rail. Chris Ray was there and wanted to film it, so he said he'd bring his lights and generators if I went back and did it. I really didn't want to, but I did at the same time, so we went back and lit it up. Probably like 10 or more of my friends were there watching, so I had to go for it, even though I wasn't that warmed up. But I did it in a couple tries. Then I wanted to 50-50 it, but while I was walking up the stairs, I stepped on a stair wrong and tweaked my ankle... Anyway, that was scary. 

Going back even further, the first time I tried to 50-50 a rail, I was scared out of my mind. It's this perfect 5 stair square rail in St. George, and I tried to ollie onto it. I don't know what happened, but my shin, instead of my board, landed on the edge of the rail, and I cut my shin open pretty bad. It took me a day of bleeding profusely out of my leg to convince my dad that I needed stitches.

Matt

What's the scariest situation you've ever been in out skating?

I've had a couple really scary police chases. There was this cop in St. George, officer Collard, that would scream at you when he caught you skating somewhere. One time he called in back up on us for skating at this church. He was threatening all of us with jail time and crap like that. But we all denied that we were skating, and he never actually saw us riding our boards, he just saw us sitting with our boards, so I guess that wasn't enough to get us thrown in prison for life. We ended up getting out just fine... 

It's always really scary when someone hurts themselves, I hate that more than anything. The absolute worst was this kid Brant in St. George when he broke his arm. He was the scary kid that you hated to see skateboard because he had no balance, no skill, rode super fast and all over the place, and would try to boardslide 12 stair rails when he couldn't even stick a solid ollie on flat ground. And then when he'd go down, he'd go down hard. He shouldn't have been skating. So he tried to ollie this flat gap, stuck, slammed way harder than he should have, and when he popped up, his arm looked like an S. Literally. I have the footage, it's in the intro of "Shred Zeppelin". Me and Randy took him to the hospital, and he was super calm the entire time. All he said was, "That gap got the best of me..." He ended up getting all these plates and crap in his arm, it was a bad ordeal.

Another scary one was my friend Jed. He's pretty much what I just described above, except he could do the basics in skating. But sometimes he'd try these crazy kinked rails when he shouldn't have. So we were skating in down town San Bernardino one night, and he tried to front board a long, mellow rail. Keep in my he can't front board a flat bar. He slipped out the second his board touched the rail and he fell about 3 feet straight to his face. His face hit the ground before his hands or any other part of his body. Blood was coming out of his eyes, nose, and mouth. I had to drive his VW Bug home, and it had all these crazy things to it, like you couldn't let it idle or it would die, first gear didn't work, and it couldn't go up hills. It didn't help that I had to drive it up a mountain to get him home. That was pretty scary because he was in and out of it, and I didn't know if he was brain damaged or something. But he started yelling and swearing at me when I said I was taking him to the hospital, so I took him home so his parents could take him. He broke his cheek bone, but he was out skating a couple days later. Good old Jed...

Matt

Of all the videos you've made, what's the one thing you regret the most or are the most ashamed of?

All the slow motion in my Lip Trix part. That's an example of me trying to be someone I'm not...

Matt

How did Bolts of Thunder come about?

Me and Matt were making fun of crappy mormon movies, and we were discussing our own break off version of mormon movies that have lots of violence and stuff in them. Our production company was going to be called "Thunder House", making fun of "Hail Storm," the actual Mormon movie production company. Then I remembered how a couple days/weeks/months/years earlier (I can't remember when), I accidentally said that I saw a bolt of thunder when I meant lightning. The second I said "Bolt of Thunder," we both knew it was going to be the name of our next skate video. So that's what it was for a while, it was never the name of a team or whatever. But then after we met Dave and skated with him, he started saying stuff like he was sponsored by Bolts of Thunder and stuff. It kind of became a team then with me, Matt, Nick, Dan, and Dave. Ammon too, of course. That's how it came about...

Matt

What about the island scenario?

Since nobody wants me on the island, I will go alone. I'll just bring a volleyball and talk to it. Maybe my skateboard, I'd talk to that too... No, I never imagined being on the island alone. I always thought that the entire team would be there, and each person would play their part. That's how it works now, everyone on the team has their own personalities and stuff. That's what makes it so much fun. That's how I see the island going down. We'd rage war against the cannibals and most likely go down in a last stand Alamo situation. We'd conquer or die like men, leaving our mark in history...

Ask me your questions

So we find ourselves in this funny little predicament: I do all the interviewing, but who's going to interview me? Ok, so Rachel suggested I try this, and being the obedient companion that I am, I'm going to try it. I would like you, the general public, to ask me your questions. You can leave comments on this post and ask me any and all of the questions you've ever wanted. When I get enough questions, I'll give you all the answers in a future post. Get what's going on? People, I'm telling you, if you don't participate, this is not going to work. So leave you questions, and we'll see what kind of fun we can have. Don't forget to read Matt's interview, I just put it up.

Are you not entertained?

 So I've known Matt all my life. I can't remember a time when Matt wasn't around because Matt's always been around. Yes, we've gone a couple years on our missions without hanging out, but even then, we wrote letters weekly. I wrote him at least 2 letters a week for probably half of his mission. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I know Matt better than anyone, and I've heard these stories about a million times. But they seriously get funnier every time I hear them. Matt has an amazing talent for sharing stories, and he shares some pretty funny ones with us today. And that grass ride picture is the first picture of a 4 picture sequence. I put the other 3 up a couple weeks ago, but this one wouldn't go up. I tried it again today, and it worked, so now you get to see it. I give you to the Matt Hart interview...

(MrThunderBolt) If your very life depended on performing an amazing dance routine on "So you think you can dance," what dance routine would it be, what song, etc? Do you think, given all the Paula Abdul and Madonna music videos you've seen, you could successfully go to the next round?       

(Matt) Well, I wouldn't really want to dance on "so you think you can dance".  That would be too much pressure.  And some of the judges get pretty annoying.  But I'd definitely win "Dancing With The Stars" if I was on that.  I really think I could.  I'd have to get in shape and stuff, but it'd be good.  And if I had to do my best dance ever then I'd do it to Paula Abdul's "Cold Hearted".  I'd study up on good 80's dance videos like Madonna and stuff and do those moves.  Actually, I already do that anyway, so I'm already prepared.  Or I'd copy some really good dance routine from the movie "Cabaret".  Something really provocative like that.

Remember when you caught me swearing on the school bus in elementary school? I was reading bad words that were written on the seat... Would you like to explain to our readers how and why you got me to turn myself in to mom?

   

 Man, I can't really remember that well.  I think I said that I was going to tell on you, but that you'd probably get in less trouble if you told on yourself.  Little kids do weird stuff like that.  At first I thought you were talking about when I wrote bad words on the back of a bus seat with a paper clip.  And then I was smart enough to write my name right next to the large F words that I'd inscribed on the seat.  I got caught and went to the principals office and then he called you in to testify against me.  I remember he asked you if I wrote the stuff and you said "No" with the straightest face possible.  You looked so convincing that I almost believed you.  And then this other witness testified that I did it, so got in trouble.  I was really proud/impressed with your deceitfulness.   

So there are two times I can think of when someone's tried to mess with me and you summoned superhuman strength and regulated pretty good: Logan and the Eiffel Tower. What goes through your mind and body to give you such strength? What does it feel like to have such strength for a brief moment in time? And would you like to tell any of the Logan story since we've already told the Eiffel Tower one?

 

I'm just really, really protective of my younger brother, so I don't really care who I have to fight to protect you.  I don't lose my mind, but I can go nuts sometimes.  I guess I can talk about the Logan ordeal.  Jon and I were in our car and this girl, I can remember her name, she went up to the passenger side and spit on Jon cause he said something that pissed her off.  He got out of the car and ran after her and spit on her.  So she turned around and kicked him in the balls pretty hard.  So then Jon decided to give her the good old back-hand.  Sean Connery condone's it, so I guess he thought that would be alright.  Well, it turns out that it wasn't alright with the chick's boyfriend (Logan) who was standing right there.  He came behind Jon and sucker punched him in the head.  So Jon turned around and gave him a good right jab in the eye.  Then Logan, who was like at least 6 feet tall, started swinging at Jon and Jon fell back onto the ground.  So Logan just kept hitting down on him.  I was in the car and as soon as I saw Logan hit Jon and jumped out of the car and ran as fast as I could at him.  I had a pretty good speed when I reached him so I just grabbed him and threw pretty far.  It was like 10 or so feet.  He flew out into the street and then I pounced on top of him like a cat.  At that point he knew he was screwed.  I had him pinned down and I could have just pounded in his face, but I've hit enough people and so I wanted to try something new.  I always had this fantasy of gauging someone's eye (I was a little weird) and so it was kinda like on the Karate Kid where he goes "Live or die man!" and then squeezes the nose, except I plunged my finger into his eye.  I just kept pushing in really deep and he  screamed and squirmed around on the ground and his girlfriend started crying and begged me to let him go, so I stood up over him and said "Don't F$%# With Us!"  And he was pretty nice to me after that.  So that's that.  My brothers and I all got eachothers backs.

Ok, here's the mandatory Bolts of Thunder Cast-Away question. You know the drill. Who would be on the island with you, and why?

 

Hmm, i like everybody.  Well, Dan seems to be the go-to man, but anyone who's seen me play croquet with him knows that it would be fun at first, but things would turn ugly fast.  I'd lose it, and since there's no one else around, the temptation of getting away with murder could be too much for me to handle (sorry Dan. It's not you, it's me).  I could have fun with anyone, but I'd have to go with either one of my brothers.  Jon and I are a good team, so that's a given.  We do everything together, we might as well be stranded together.  But Brian and I both got our wilderness survival merit badges together, so I already know we could hack it.  At scout camp we had to go out in the woods and build our own forts and sleep in them for the night.  I think I was too lazy and stupid to build my own, so I hardly even tried.  I just watched Brian build this really nice fort and then he invited me over for dinner.  We both knew I wasn't gonna leave his fort, so he didn't even try giving me the boot.  But if we were on an island now, I'd definitely pull my weight.  I watch "Man vs Wild" often, so I'd know what to do.  And how could I not feel safe and secure with someone who spent a year in Iraq mowin' down Jihad Mothereffers on the top of a Humvee.  If he can handle bullets and bombs going off around him, I'm pretty sure he could handle some cannibals with spears.  And I'd have his back.

When I discussed this scenario with Dave, he saw you as becoming a type of figurative monarch for the Bolts of Thunder tribe. Do you see yourself able to fulfill this position?

 

I could probably do that.  I hate to say that I'd be a part of it without doing anything, but it seems like that sometimes.  I'm trying to put in my work though.  And I'm capable of getting stuff done when I need to.  I just look scary sometimes and that seems to be an advantage to our little platoon.

Who would win in a fight, Sean Connery or Samuel L Jackson?

 

that's not even fair.  how can you pick a winner.  Sean Connery once beat up this gangster Johnny Stompanato cause the gangster pulled out a gun and threated to kill him.  He beat him up, took the gun away, and kicked him off the movie lot.  that's pretty cool.  I couldn't pick a winner though.

You seem to have a lot of amazing poop stories, would you like to share any for our readers?

 

In middle school i'd bum money off kids and then buy Reese's Pieces and then get diarrhea immediately afterwards.  I don't like to sit on toilet seats so I'd just squat over the seat at school, but once I was leaned forward too much and my butt was pointed back too far and I sprayed diarrhea all over the wall.  I just wiped myself and high-tailed it outta there.  And then once at college I was pooping in a handicapped stall and this handicapped kid in a wheelchair  rolled up to the door and just yanked the door open.  He had really strong arms from pushing himself around.  I looked at him and then looked down at my balls, which were on display, and then apologized to him.  He rolled away.  I don't know why I apologized.  The worst was when I was at a little league baseball game a couple years ago in Lehi and I used the toilet there.  There was crap and piss all over the floor and toilet and there was a huge line to use it, but it was the only stall available.  I think I had eaten a J-Dawg and rootbeer and got diarrhea.  So I got in the stall  and I didn't have the strength to just squat over it, so I used my right arm to lean up against the back wall.  So I had my legs spread and I was standing over the toilet and once I leaned back I was pretty much stuck in that position.  But it was alright cause it was gonna take some time.  Well then this cowboy just came busting through the door.  I couldn't pull up my pants or anything cause I was stuck in position, so I just stood there with my legs spread, pants around my ankles, genitals on display, and liquid fecal matter expelling itself from between my legs.  Instead of turning around and shutting the door, the guy just stood there and stared at me.  I think he was just shocked to see something so weird.  I just tell that to myself so I don't have to feel like i've been the victim of a pervert.  But i didn't know what to do and I felt bad for making him see that, so I apologized to him.  After I apologized he shut the door and left.  And then my step-brother's team lost their game, so that sucked too.

 

When's the last time you violently threw up?

 

umm, i think it was a year and a half ago at christmas.  yeah, i threw up six times on christmas day.  it was from eating a Costa Vida burrito or salad... i can't remember which.  But it was the black beans that got me down.  As soon as that last been came up out of my mouth I knew I was better.   

What goes through your mind when you're bombing a steep grass hill or riding a bike down a 25 stair?

 

I just hope that it's enough to entertain someone cause I have nothing else to offer. And I'm also wondering why I've been reduced to doing circus tricks to get friends.  

What's your earliest memory?

 

My mom would pin me on the ground and then she'd have Jon sit on my face with his poopy diaper on.  She thought it was pretty funny.  I didn't share in the enthusiasm.  I remember I was walking and then my mom grabbed me and pinned me down and called to Jon.  I saw him come crawling from behind this chair.  He looked pretty excited and he was crawling fast.  He just crawled right onto my face and sat on it.  My mom was laughing really hard and just held me down for a minute.  Jon had a pretty quick crawl, so he was probably getting close to walking, so I was 2, almost 3 at the time. 

What would you like to say to our Bolts of Thunder readers?

 

If you've never done a crappy job in your life then it's not a bad idea to do it cause it'll help you appreciate your future jobs.  I just started a job as a security guard where I sit at a welcome desk for 5 hours a day.  I can't play on a computer or anything.  I just sit there.  But after being an ice cream man, being a security guard is the equivalent of a normal person winning the lottery.  Seriously.  Being told by 8 year old girls that you're a loser can really make you reflect on what you've been doing in your life to get you to that point.  I dare anyone to become an ice cream man.  Yeah, do it, and you'll get free Bolts of Thunder merchandise.  Oh, and I just wanna say that Dan is gonna have a very memorable part in the new video.  I can't wait for everyone to see what he's been up to.  He's amazing, and I think his part does a great job at showcasing who he really is.  That's it.

Nick's epic interview. Don't miss

Rarely does one find such height, such depth in an interviewee. But today, I present you with the deepest interview you'll ever read: the Nick Edwards interview. In this rare moment, Nick opens himself to the world and exposes his greatest fears in parenting, discusses in detail his relationship with Tony Hawk, gives the reality of Bolts of Thunder being stranded on an island, demonstrates his love for Cher's music, and shares his views on fist-fighting senior citizens. You'll find it all here people. Thanks Nick for your honest answers. You're my boy...

(MrThunderBolt)When and why did the mustache come off, seeing as it was a favorite among Nick Edwards fans?

(Nick) Well, I shaved it, then grew it back, then shaved it again before my daughter was born. I didn't want to set precedent with a baby on the way. I was a little worried that if I kept it then shaved it afterward, Colette might never respect me again. 

In Dan's interview, he said he'd like to be stranded on an island with you out of all the Thunder Bolts, and that you guys would make surf boards, paint your faces red, and pretty much just hang out. How does this make you feel being chosen by Dan because, I ain't gonna lie, we all wish Dan would have chosen us...

First off, I gotta admit this is a huge honor for me. Dan is my hero. If I weren't going to grad school to study science, I think I'd research Dan Shaw. There's a lot that can be said about that guy.

If you were stranded on an island with Dan and there was a tribe of cannibals on the island, do you see things going down the way that Dan imagined, ie surfing, barbecues, beautiful women, etc., or do you see any kind of violent conflicts in there? How do you envision things going down?

Yeah, well at first I think it would be great. Dan and I could build our own civilization, farm the land, and pioneer new surf spots. I don't really imagine there would be any violence. Everyone likes Dan. He would make friends with the natives and we'd be pretty popular. Eventually, though, Dan would probably assimilate into the savage culture. The heathens would gradually see his mystical powers and start worshipping him. They'd probably become jealous of our friendship and I'd be sacrificed over a stone altar shaped like Dan. So I'm not sure he'd be my safest bet.

So who would you chose to be your cast away buddy on this island, and why?

  I'd probably have to pick Matt. He could entertain me with all his movie and skateboarding facts and if anyone tried to mess with me, he'd gouge out their eyes. Also, he kinda looks like an animal.

What's your best trick?

900

Are you sponsored?

I get flow from Bolts of Thunder (even tho I don't even know what that means).

What kind of board you have?

 Powell minilogo

Are you pro?

depends on your definition

Do you know Tony Hawk?

 Nah

My cousin can kickflip.....

Liar

So you're taking off soon to grad school. Where do you see your skating career going when this happens? Do you plan on opening the East Coast chapter of Bolts of Thunder?

You bet. It's already gone international. I'm taking us to the national level.

Who's part are you most excited to see for the up and coming "Bolts of Thunder Gone Wild" video?

 I'm pretty excited to see your part

If you could turn back time, if you could find a way, would you take back all the things you said?

ummm....

Remember when that old guy called you a "jdyick ed (dick head)"? I've never seen an old man, we're talking 65+, try to take on a strong lad such as yourself. What was going on, what pushed the old guy over the edge? Would you like to tell that story, I like that one...

Wow. So we were skating flatground in front of your house and I saw this car coming down the street. I moved out of the way, but apparently that wasn't good enough. As this car swerved around me, I threw my hands up like, "Why would you do that?" He must have been looking in his rearview mirror because he screeched to a halt. Then this old guy, seriously about 70, gets out of the car and yells at me, "What do you think you're doing ya jdyick head?" 

 I was clearly baffled at this crazy old man, especially because his cute grandma wife was sitting in the passenger seat just watching us. He started cussing at us and accusing us of breaking the law and being disrespectful. We asked him what we'd done and he wouldn't tell us and kept getting more and more angry. I think I said something like "What's your problem, old man?" He had a Marines hat on and was actually kind of built for a senior citizen even though he was like 5'6" (by the way, I'm 6'4"). But whatever I said must have tipped him over the edge. 

The lunatic started taunting me, daring me to punch him. I told him I wouldn't punch him because he was as old as my grandpa. But he was serious. He honestly wanted to fight me. I eventually got kind of angry and cussed at him and told him to drive off, which he eventually did. I felt like a huge jerk, even though I didn't do a lot to provoke the old guy. Not my proudest moment. 

What would you like to say on the blog to Thunder Bolts the world over?

Click on the merchandise link and buy a shirt. You don't want to be the last kid at the skatepark without one.

Inspector Gadget Pimp Villain

So I took the GRE today. Apparently I do not have verbal skills, which might account for all this confusion I create on the blog. But regardless, I refuse to learn those crazy words, and I'm not taking that test again. So you can forget about my verbal skills getting any better! So it's been a good two or so weeks since we've even mentioned pimps or hoes on this blog, which is an abnormally long time for Bolts of Thunder. Just as way of a reminder, Bolts of Thunder strongly looks down upon pimping and hoeing; we are fierce supporters of getting your love and money the good old fashioned way. Seriously. Men, treat your women right. Women, have some respect for yourselves. So when we were in Nice, we had a good old fashioned stake out on the balcony of our hotel with a camera and a telephoto lens. Who knows what kind of fun you might have, but being in Nice, you're bound to see something. As it turned out, our hotel was situated in the middle of some kind of pimp/prostitute crime center with pimps and hoes up and about at all hours of the night. The pimp must have owned a little pizza place across the street from us. Those are the best pictures we could get of him. He was like the villain on "Inspector Gadget," he never showed his face... Matt wanted me to point out that he was wearing a full Adidas track suit with stripes up and down the side. So we turned off all the lights in the hotel and sat on the balcony, snapping off shots of dudes talking to the women, and the women getting into their cars. I realized later that we have the license plate number of one of the perverts that pulled up. After seeing "Taken," I quite naturally assume that he's one of the leading members of French parliament or something. Does France even have a parliament, or am I making that up? I don't know. But either way, Kwi-Gon is going to find him and kill him... Anyway, it was really sad seeing these girls down on the street like this, so this is Bolts of Thunder's weekly call out to all men to be gallant and love the women around you. And if you can't do that, then get off this blog...

Hospital Security Guards story

This weekend I went with my brothers to Raging Waters up in Salt Lake, and we saw Brigham Mellor, one of our friends from high school. It's rare that you randomly run into someone from high school that you actually like, so it was good to see him for a minute. So when we saw him, it reminded me of an epic security guard chase we had in St. George at the hospital that Brigham was involved in. It was one of those great security vs skater pickles that we often found ourselves in whilst terrorizing the streets of St George. So we (me, Matt, and probably 6 other friends in St George) were skating this 9 stair at the hospital. It's like one of the only half decent 9 stairs that you can skate in St George, so it's worth the risk of getting chased by the cops to skate it. I had kickflipped an 8 stair the weekend earlier, so we went there because I wanted to kickflip a 9 stair now. All my friends didn't want to get busted, so they just hid their boards in the bushes while they watched me. I only got one try before this security guard in a golf cart came flying around the corner, yelling at us to get out of there. We all took off, but my friends were too startled to even grab their boards. So when we all regrouped afterwards, 6 of my friends had left their boards in the bushes, and the security guards would probably find them. And once found, the security guards would undoubtedly have their way with them... We couldn't let that happen, so we formulated a plan to sneak in and get them back. We thought it would be standard MO: just run in real quick, grab your boards, and run out. But when we ninjaed our way over, we saw the stairs surrounded by 4 different security guards; 2 on foot, 2 on cart... And not only that, it's like they knew we were coming back, and they were all looking for something, and they all had walkie talkies out. One of them saw us and started running after us, so we took off and hid behind a church, a universally recognized neutrality zone. So we had to completely scratch our first plan and come up with a new one. For middle schoolers, I feel we were quite clever and resourceful when dealing with these kinds of situations, and we came up with a pretty good plan. I would run out as bait to lure a couple security guards after me, little Indian Joey would run behind me to lure off the other ones, then Bobby and Rico would run up, grab the boards, and take off. Matt would just watch from the bushes. I think he even told us that that's what he was going to do. Every great adventure needs an official historian. Matt was ours. So we quickly rehearsed our plan then went after it. I started running in the street towards the 9 stairs when out of nowhere, a security in a cart came creeping around a corner right behind me. We'd been surrounded! I mean literally, 3, maybe 4 feet behind me. Apparently while we were making our game plan, the security guards had anticipated our next move and had created a plan of their own. An offensive plan. So I started running up this hill in front of the hospital, and the golf cart dude pursued closely behind. But the steepness of the hill and a lifelong addiction to fast food on the security guard's part prevented the golf cart from gaining any ground on me. He followed right behind me for a good 7 or 8 seconds, staying right on my heels, before I hooked a sharp right and took off through a little ally. Matt had strategically placed himself in the heart of some thick bushes, and he got a profile shot of the entire thing: me sprinting up a hill with a security guard in a golf cart pushing full throttle following 3 feet behind me. Matt was laughing pretty hard when I met back up with him. On the other end, Joey, Bobby, and Rico's plan had also been thwarted by the security guards. They had all been chased in separate directions, and one of the guards felt a personal vendetta to catch Bobby. So he chased after Bobby for like a straight minute around a block, and he thought he had cornered Bobby when Bobby decided to put display his amazing ability to jump off tall objects to the security guard. He hopped right over this fence with an 8 or 9 foot drop on the other side and took off. The security guard, out of breath and obviously not crazy, fit, or dedicated enough to jump over the fence after Bobby, yelled at Bobby as he ran, "Don't run kid, or I'll break your legs!" I imagine it looked kind of like on "The Fugitive" when Tommy Lee Jones traps Harrison Ford at the edge of that Dan, and Harrison Ford jumps off it.... "I didn't trespass on your property," said Bobby. "I don't care..." replied the security guard. So we all regrouped at our designated spot and told each other of how we got chased. Matt was able to witness most of it from his bird-eyes vies in the bushes. He was able to help us piece together how it went down because he saw several chasings at the same time. We didn't know what to do, and we could only imagine that they, themselves, we regrouping and calling in for backup. It was in this, our greatest moment of despair, that we saw a flickering spark of hope... Brigham Mellor. It turned out that our regrouping spot was right in front of Brigham's house, so when he was leaving the house, we all saw him. We got the great idea that maybe Brigham could just walk up, grab our boards, and bring them back. So we explained the situation to him, and he just said, "sure, I'll be right back." He pulled off in his blue truck and came back like 2 minutes later with all our boards in the bed of the truck. It was that easy. He was like, "yeah, there were some guys in golf carts looking around for you guys, but they didn't even notice me." Man, I'm happy I got chased when I was a kid. My racquetball teacher at school was reading the newspaper about this kid on BYU campus that tried running from cops for something stupid like writing on the sidewalks with chalk was charged with a felon for trying to evade a police officer. I guess that's extreme, but this kid obviously didn't have any kind of experience or plan. Anyway, I'm glad we got to have fun as kids, I'm glad that security guard was so fat that his cart couldn't go any faster to catch me, and I'm glad that we saw Brigham yesterday which reminded me of this whole thing. Thanks Brigham.

Interview with a superhero

This new interview deal is really catching fire. So I emailed Dan some questions that definitely needed answering, and I'm happy to say that they questions have finally been put to rest. It's funny how Dan keeps trying to publicly deny his super-heroness, but then what he does totally proves that he's a superhero. Kind of like how Superman wears glasses when he pretends to be mortal, but then he saves the world and stuff. So in this little interview, you're going to see feeble attempts on Dan's part to cover his tracks as a superhuman, but then he totally reveals it all when he says how far he travelled in Europe on his bike, how fast he's gone on his snowboard, how he survived the nights in Switzerland, and what he ate for food... Yeah people, Dan is a superhero, whether he denies it or not...

(MrBoltsofThunder) Dan, how does it feel to be invincible?

(Daniel R Shaw) hmmm. thats a tough one to answer. i hate to break it to you Jon but i am vincible. i can be broken just like everybody else can. 

How far, exactly did you ride your bike over in Europe, and in how many days?

i road my bike a bit over a thousand miles and i did it in 12 days of riding. i was out for a week and a half on my bike. i spent some days just hanging out or hiking about. 

What was the craziest/funniest thing you witnessed over there?

well, something funny doesnt come to mind. crazy things usually happened when i was trying to get a sheltered sleep while going through switzerland, austria, holland, and belgium.  i was in zurich for the night and i was planning to sleep under a gardening shed in a national park but then i found a bunch of spiders there. i had already let it get dark because i wasn't planning on leaving that place for another sleeping spot. All i had to eat was raw oats with water and nutella (i chewed them all up together in my mouth). so i took off to find another place to sheltered sleep. i ended up sleeping in a construction zone in the park. i slept under a construction hut. it was a great sleep and best of all it was dry. i woke up at 630 when the construction workers came to greet me. they offered me a hot cup of coffee and we all chatted for a while about how great switzerland was. 

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If you were a male model, what would you like to model, what article of clothing, brand, etc...

haha. probably something classy like a pair of kaki sailing shorts (light blue). Brand doesnt matter much to me. 

So in Dave's interview, he said that he'd want to be stranded on an island with you and that you guys wouldn't even need tools, but that you would take care of all that. And he even said he could probably convince the local cannibals that you are a demi-god, that way you guys wouldn't have to confront them in violent conflict. How do these statements make you feel? Do you agree with Dave; do you feel like you're a demi-god at times?

wow, thats very flattering. Thank you guys. well. i dont think im really that handy. But being handy is one of my favorite things. i like to do things well and get them done with minimal resources. so thank you for characterizing me that way. i do not try to show it. i just enjoy being handy very much. 

Ok, so same questions for you: Who would you prefer to be stranded on an island with out of the Bolts of Thunder family? And how would you treat the cannibal population on the island, would you be hostile towards them or try to convince them that you mean no harm?

i would spend the time with Nick out there on the island. we'd first make some huts for sleeping in, then some spears to protect ourselves from the cannibals, and then some surf boards to pass the time. we'd never actually use the spears. but we'd paint our faces and make it seem like we are more blood thirsty than they. 

What's the earliest memory you have?

i remember trying to immitate my brother by sliding across the wood floor on my socks. i feel and split my head open which made it a memorable experience. thats the first thing that comes to mind. i must have been three. 

When's the last time someone saw you walking around naked? hahaha! completely naked huh?

hmmmm.... probably a few months ago at my old appartment while going from my room to the shower. i'd usually wear my hand while walking to the shower. 

How many stairs have you tailwhipped on a razor scooter?

that was long ago. probably like seven or eight at most. 

What's the biggest jump you've done on a snowboard, and what tricks did you do over it?

the longest gap was probably around sixty five feet at park city a few years ago. i wasnt going to through any flips or spins over it. just a classic eighties method grab.

How fast have you gone on your bike?

i dont know. i really cannot say. never checked. ive gone 70 on a snowboard though. 

Remember Jack, our old landlord? Yeah, he was an idiot. My mind's a little fuzzy as to what went down when we tried getting our security deposits back, do you remember that ordeal at all?...

hahaha. yeah. i couldnt deal with him. the few times i tried to phone him, we just started yelling fiercly at each other. i just let Jon handle it. he faught for me. thank you Jon for getting me 200 dollars!! Jon knew how to threaten Jack and get what we needed out of him. i didnt. 

When you're a dentist, will you give Bolts of Thunder free dental work?

haha. of course. i would love to help out. 

This is your time to shine on the blog Dan, what would you like to say?...

I miss you guys and i'll see y'all in august. Thank you all for reading the bolts of thunder blog. i love it. its the best one out there and the only one that i read. 

Daniel Shaw 

Interview with Dave McDonald

So here is post number 2 for the day. Once again, don't neglect the first post for today. I like that one. It's the one where I announce on the blog that I'm getting married and the date of our next video premier. But this post couldn't wait for tomorrow, I had to put it up today. So you know Bolts of Thunder, we're always innovating and what not. That's how we keep our edge and stay on top of the game. Innovation. So I thought of this great idea for our blog: "Why don't we conduct interviews with Thunder Bolts?" So I thought up of a bunch of random questions that you all want to know the answers to, and I emailed them to Dave. I felt Dave would be a fitting first interviewee candidate, seeing as he scored the first post ever of this blog. His response to my email is one of the funniest things I've read in a long time, and I couldn't wait a second longer to put this up. I hope you enjoy this interview and the newest feature of the Bolts of Thunder blog. In reading this, my voice is the normal text, Dave's answers are in bold. Thanks Dave for your prompt responses...

(MrBoltsofThunder) so how long have you been skating?

 

(Dave McDonald) Since I was 13. I'm 40 now, so... yeah. I don't remember the first board I had, it might have been a World Industries... but the first time I stepped on my friend's board I knew I wanted to keep doing it.

 

What goes through your head when you're dropping in on a huge wall, throwing your body down a gap, or swinging your skateboard at gypsies? what goes through your head right before you pop on ollie onto a rail?

Nothing. Thats the rad thing about it. All the fear, all pressure, all that stuff happens previous to the trick. When you're in the middle of it, there is nothing but concentration. Its one of those rare moments that all you can possibly focus one in the whole world is one thing--pulling the trick. If you start thinking of other things you could get wrecked.

 

If you were stranded on an island with one member of Bolts of Thunder, who would it be and why? And let's make this scenario interesting, let's say that you can have 3 tools with you (a knife, spoon, flashlight, etc...), what would they be.

Easy answer, Dan. I wouldn't even need any tools if Dan were there. Anyone that knows Dan knows thats true.

Ok, let's go a little further with this scenario. Let's say there are indigenous cannibals on the island. Only a handful, maybe 15 at the most. Would you try to learn their language, culture, and human eating ways and assimilate into their culture. Or would you and your Bolts of Thunder comrade rage war against them in a territorial fight for the island?

I'm not the greatest at making friends with people that want to eat me, but I'd be okay knowing Dan was there. I would just follow his lead, 'cause if there is one thing I've learned as a Thunder Bolt its that Dan cannot die. 

I dunno, I'm quick on my feet. If I saw the cannibals camp and had time to built up a strong-hold without getting detected it might be a good way to go down. Or maybe, I could try and convince them that Dan was a demi-god, kind of like what happened with the ewoks in Star Wars. The latter would probably end up going down. Dan always gets into precarious situations only walk away unscathed.

When's the last time you sharted, diarrheaed, or straight up crapped your pants? Be honest now... 

A couple years ago when I was on my mission. For a while, we had been barely sleeping, and eating horribly. I was studying at like eight in the morning and let one go; it was exciting. 

So you told me a funny story of how you had to wrestle your half-naked 300 pound boss in his back yard in front of his family to get your job back. Did you win that match? What happened there, and what was going through your head as you were grabbing his sweaty, flabby, smelly body?

Brett Taylor is a 300-pound loose canon. He does and says whatever he wants, and he is rich. The guy basically hired me to be his boy; I was to show up looking good and go wherever he wanted me. He'd buy me things, feed me, and pay me nicely. It was cool, but obviously creepy. I started to get lax and just show up whenever I wanted and stuff. So, he re-asserted his authority one day and fired me. That night, I showed up to his place to get me "job" back. He opened the door in his underwear and invited me in. He took me to the back room where he sat in a rocking chair and told me that I could have my job back... if I wrestled him. Yeah.

So, we went to the backyard. The family gathered around. He was still in his underwear, of course. At the time, I weighed like 150 lbs, and I've never actually wrestled anyone but my little brothers. We began circling around each other, David and Goliath. He had a satisfied, but insane air about him. I was just confused and embarrassed to have debased myself to the point that I was in the situation, at all. 

I lunged at him. He slapped his hands around both my arms, squeezed me, lifted me up and put me on the ground. He kept squeezing as he slowly lowered down to my face. He could have finished me off for good, mortal combat fatality style. Instead, he just got really close to me and stared until he knew that I knew, it was over. He was my boss. 

The next day we went golfing and ate Italian food.

When's the last time you took off your clothes for money? Would you like to explain the context of that situation, or do you just want to leave the reader wondering what the universe had done to you to make you strip for money?

Its not just for money, alright? Its a way of life. Its who I am. 

Anything else you want to say to our viewers on our blog?

Here's a few things the world needs more of: accountants, bankers, lawyers, and door-to-door salesmen.  

END.

Bolts of Thunder news update

So all you cars out there that want me dead, you can forget about it! I'm at school right now which means that I once again survived a treacherous bike ride through the streets of Provo. Riding your bike in Provo is like playing a real life game of "Paperboy," the old Nintendo game. In riding these streets, you've gotta keep your whits about you. If you stop paying attention for one second, you risk an 18 year old retard on her cell phone behind the wheel of a BMW t-boning you and your bike into oblivion. I saw 3 of them this morning, and I threw my handy stash of protective newspapers, always readily available when riding my bike, at the cars to scare them off... So in Bolts of Thunder news, we have a softball team, "Bats of Thunder"! I have to give David Law credit for that name, he's the one that came up with it. We had our first game the other night, and my dad hit a home run. I'd expect nothing less from him. We have another game tomorrow morning, so if any supporters want to come cheer us on, field 4 at 9:30. See you there... Ok, now comes some pretty big bits of news: the official announcement of the date of the "Bolts of Thunder Gone Wild" video premier, and Bolts of Thunder's first wedding! My wedding... And I'm marrying a girl. Actually, it's Rachel, Bolts of Thunder's seamstress. It's like one of those office scandals where I've been hooking up with one of the other employees. Yeah, kind of like that. You heard right people, I'm tired of hiding who I really am for all these years. I can't stay shut up inside for ever, so I'm officially coming out of the tool shed and announcing to the world that I'm attracted to women. I have been my entire life. I hope you can understand my feelings and my decision and support me 100% in this matter. Rachel even requested that I insert a direct quote from her, "[Jon Hart is] gorgeous. A real man. A beautiful man. With perfect legs." That's a real quote, I swear I didn't make it up... So the video premier is going to be on August 12. We don't know where or what time, but we know that we are having it on that date. Then we've strategically planned the entire wedding around the video premier, so we're getting married the very next day, August 13. That way all the friends and family that have traveled so far for the video premier can stay for the wedding, if they so choose. It'll be kind of a video premier after-party of sorts... Anyway, now that the video deadline is out there, and it's only like 7 weeks away, you should expect to see Bolts of Thunder redoubling its efforts to bring you the finest in skateboarding... In announcing our wedding, I thought I'd put up our announcement/invitation picture. Thank you Matt for taking those, and thanks Hannah for being our stylist. So the first picture just barely pulled ahead of the runner up for official photo. The runner up, shown bellow, is still a pretty awesome picture. I was going for the old man pervert look while Rachel was going for the 4 year old sitting-on-Santa's-lap look. I think we both pulled it off pretty good. That's our big Bolts of Thunder news. So if you're a true Thunderbolt, you're invited to the video premier and the the video premier after party (the wedding reception). We're registered at Target... I added the pictures of Dan hugging a tree and Brian and me skateboarding just to give you a little somethin somethin to look at...

Scary images of Matt in your head

Do I have to keep reminding you? There were never any promises when we started this blog. I didn't promise to write every day. I just thought it would be better if we didn't have any kind of formal contract, and I could write whatever I felt like whenever I felt like it. So that's why I didn't write yesterday. And if you're not careful, I might not even push the "publish post" button when I'm done typing this one, and you won't get any today either! So school's not so bad anymore. I switched out a hard class for beginning racquetball and weightlifting, so I get to exercise my body instead of losing all my hair. Not a bad deal. That reminds me of when I told this teaching assistant in one of my classes last year that I didn't like economics, and I was going to change my major so I didn't have to take economics. He looked me square in the eyes and said very seriously, "Don't be afraid of doing something just because it's hard." First I wanted to tell him to shut up. Then I wanted to sucker punch him in the stomach and say some kind of Arny Shwashignger come back like, "are you afraid of a hard punch?" But I doing so would definitely take away from my street cred, and I don't have much street cred to spare. So I told him instead that going to school was hard enough. Which it is. Anyway, I have a class that starts now, and I have to go. I just want to leave you with this picture of Matt glaring at you with one eye. I like to think that his other eye is staring straight in front of him, completely focused on whatever it is he's filming.

The most amazing performance of Little Orphan Annie

So I already put up a post today, but I've decided to put up another one. School started for me today, and I'm already burnt out on it. With school starting, I'm legally mandated by my doctor to put up my stress-o-meter again which detects hair loss and tells how likely I am to be stressed that day. Kind of like the fire warning meters that tell you how likely you are to burn down the forest if you light a match. Or my personal favorite is the former Homeland Security meter that would tell us all how afraid of getting blown up by terrorists we should be that day in leaving our houses. That was a great idea, a meter that would strike a sense of pride in every Americans heart and bring unity to a country as we all sat inside our makeshift bomb shelters in our basements on days with high warnings... It's a good thing nobody ever even paid attention to that thing, or the first Bolts of Thunder video probably wouldn't have been finished. Anyway, I'm supposed to be reading right now, and I'm about to start reading, but I needed to do a little something that would take my mind off school for a minute, so torturing you via blog was the best thing I could think of. So while we're here, I'm going to tell you a story. I must first say that this is a true story, it's too rich to have been fabricated out of thin air. It's the kind of thing that you pray and wish would happen when you're obligated by familial ties to attend a school musical, but it never does happen. But this time it did happen. So I was reminded of this story yesterday at dinner, and it's too good a story to keep locked away in my memory vault. So here it is, for all to read and rejoice in... So when I was 18, my sister was in the high school production of "Little Orphan Annie", and she played Daddy Warbucks' personal secretary. The drama teacher guy that was directing the play deemed the entire student population unworthy of playing the sacred and highly coveted role of Daddy Warbucks, so he reserved that special role for himself. Being that Rim of the World High school put on this little musical number, it goes without saying that it was one of the worst critically acclaimed high school musicals of it's time. But that's beside the point. The point is the last day of the performance, when students, faculty, and families combined were happy that they would never again have to watch Rim's rendition of this play, all hell broke loose in the middle of Daddy Warbucks' living room. It was the song, "I think I'm gonna like it here," and one of Daddy Warbucks' many indentured servants was doing what was supposed to be a standard hitch kick when he poorly stuck the landing and busted his knee on the middle of the stage. He had a microphone on, so he just started screaming profanities and incomprehensible rants into the microphone as he crawled on the floor with his broken knee. Nobody in the the audience or on the stage remembered the line, "I broke my f---ing knee!!!!" in the song, so half the singers/dancers stopped mid song and just stared at the kid as he crawled in pain on the floor, trying to remember if they had simply forgotten a vital part of the song, or if the kid was really in trouble. This scene was too much for Daddy Warbucks, and he half-fainted on stage. He would have completely fallen off the stage, but my little sister grabbed him by the back of his collar and helped balance him until he came through. The funny thing is that through all of this, nobody went out to help him, nobody cut the microphones, everyone just watched the kid as he screamed on the stage. That's how serious Rim is about their musical productions; the show will go on regardless of crappy performances and broken knees. After a minute, they finally realized that they should help the kid, and someone shut the curtains. Everyone took off their microphones because the play had stopped... Everyone except the kid with the broken knee. For a good fifteen minutes, he moaned and occasionally screamed in pain as he awaited the ambulance to take him away, and the audience could hear every breath of it. Let me try to draw this image for you: the audience was sitting in a dark auditorium staring at a dimly lit red curtain and hearing over the loud speakers every couple of seconds, "oh man... oh man!... my knee's busted.... My f---ing knee's busted! oh f--- man... aw.... awwwwww......." You get the idea. Yeah, a good, solid 15 minutes of it. And I think the audience secretly enjoyed it. Nobody went to tell the sound people what was up. Everyone just wanted more. It was a sort of payback for having to sit through a normally boring and painful rendition of "Little Orphan Annie," and the audience was happy to have a few moments of true entertainment. The climax of it all was when one of the other kids had the epiphany that he wanted to be a doctor, and he wanted to start his career right then. He told the hurt kid he could pop the kid's knee back into place. So the hurt kid, into the microphone, said, "oh man, I don't think so... no man... no way...." But the doctor insisted, and the hurt kid finally consented. Or maybe he never did consent, I guess I don't know. Either way, all of a sudden the kid started screaming super loud and pleading with the doctor kid not to touch his knee. The ambulance showed up a few minutes later, and someone finally realized that he had the microphone on the entire time and that the audience could hear all of his cursing. So they took off his microphone and took him away... But that kid was never taken away in our hearts, and their he will remain.... Many years have passed since this event, and I have yet to see or hear of a comparable performance. I now go to every musical event with the hopes and expectations that it will be the most entertaining event of my life: either the music will be awesome, or it will suck really bad but someone on stage will entertain us with his broken body. Thank you "Little Orphan Annie," thank you for making all of our lives richer through your suffering. Thank you kid that busted your knee for your poetic fluidity of cursing on stage. Thank you Ginger Hart for being in this production and allowing all of us to have access to this event. And I'd say next time Gin, just let Daddy Warbucks go... That's a picture of me on my hands and knees with my forehead on my skateboard. Don't ask me what I'm doing there because I simply won't tell you. I refuse to.