They always did say that hippy jump hill bombs were his specialty. I don't think anyone would dispute that now. So here's Matt showing you what a ninja looks like when he's about ready to jump kick you in the face! So school's out for me now, officially. And even if it wasn't, I ain't goin anymore! So that means my brain should not be as scrambled and you'll get plenty of TLC on this blog. We're talking daily.
Back to Matt and jump kicking, I just remembered this bum that threatened to kick Matt in the face at Alberto's in Salt Lake. He suspected Matt, the Mexican girl behind the counter, the manager of the restaurant, and pretty much everyone within a 10 foot radius of him of wanting to fight him. He was standing on guard as he verbally assaulted the manager for not putting any lettuce or tomatoes on his bean and cheese burrito. Dude, you have to pay extra for that... But he didn't care, and he called the manager all kinds of names. The manager just stood there afraid and took it. It was pretty sad. Let me first describe to you the bum so you'll see it's not one of those scary ones that could actually hurt you. He was about my height, so we're talking 5'10'' and he was no more than 140 pounds. Probably a lot less than that. To save you the trouble of trying to figure out if 5'10'' and 140 pounds is a dangerous combo or not, I'll just tell you it's not. Plus, the dude looked like he had two stork legs. They were pretty much just bones with skin on them, and they bent in unnatural ways at the knees. The only thing going for him was that he seemed pretty confident in threatening the manager, so the dude gave in and put lettuce and tomatoes on his burrito.
So Matt was standing behind the guy in line. The dude was facing forward but used the hair on the back of his neck to sense motion from behind and picked up Matt on his radar. Sensing an obvious sneak attack on Matt's part, the bum thought he'd preempt him with some karate chop action to the neck. We call this a king lizard punch where I come from. So the dude quickly spun around, yelled out a mandatory Bruce Lee yelp, and chopped at Matt's neck, only sparing Matt's life by stopping a couple inches from the jugular. At that point, Matt did what any person in his situation would have done. He laughed. It was funny, and we all thought the dude was just messing around because of how pathetic it was. But the Samuel L. Jackson "I'm gonna mess you up!" look in his eyes told us a different story. He was serious. Then he told Matt not to stand behind him or he'll finish the job next time. Some people might have stood down at that moment, but not Matt. In Matt's eyes, that bum was the last thing standing between him and an enchilada. Matt is living proof that Hobbes was wrong; fear is not what motivates us more. It's hunger...
So Matt just stood there in line and ignored the bum. Then a couple minutes later the bum yelled out at Matt, "You stand behind me, and I'm gonna kick you in the face!!!" That was a pretty amazing threat seeing as the guy pretty much had no legs, and it would have been pretty awesome to see him try. But nothing happened, and Matt placed his order, ate his food, and we were on our way. When we walked out, the bum was still yelling and swearing at the girl that took his order and the manager for messing up something else. I guess this story had no point, but just imagine if Matt and this dude got into a jump-kicking fight. You see how high my boy's off the ground in that picture up there? Now just imagine his limber ledge stretching up into your abdomen. Serious, Matt's the most limber of us all, hands down. Yeah, you don't want to mess with that!
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