For those of you who could not pick up on my less than subtle elbow nudges yesterday, I will just come straight out and say it. I went to Paris this last week and hung out with Dave. That's why I didn't write at all. I traded my time with you to be with Dave. It had to be done... So when you skate/hang out with Dave, you're guaranteed at least three things: 1) Dave will do some crazy stunts for you. He just can't help it. 2) Something funny/crazy will happen out of the blue that would never happen if you were with someone else. 3) Your jaw will be tired at the end of the day from laughing so much. These are known as Dave's Laws. Not to be confused with David Law. He's different, although in many ways he fits into these same categories... I'm confusing you. Moving on.
So one of our many memorable moments from this last week in Paris was Dave getting thrown around by the ticket checkers in the metro. Just to clarify, the ticket checkers have no real authority other than to harass you and see if you have a ticket. If you don't and you refuse to pay, then they can call the cops and then the cops can throw down on you. But the ticket checkers are just toothless guard dogs that feel tough when they hold a note pad and pen in their hands. So we were on our way to see Notre Dame and yell "Sanctuary!" from its highest towers when we were stopped by the metro ticket checker group. They wait right in front of the exit of the metro where you don't expect them, then they jump out at you, ensnaring you in their evil designs. They were waiting at the top of these escalators, and before we knew it, they had grabbed Dave and were interrogating him. Now my purpose in writing this post is not to accept or deny Dave's innocence. That is beyond me. As the great philosopher Tupac once said, "Only God can judge me now." I believe that to be a universal truth for all men, and I thereby grant Dave ticket judgement sanction. He will answer to none of you as to his innocence.
So these two butch woman grabbed Dave and cornered him up against this wall. For a couple minutes they demanded to see his ticket which he had apparently thrown away after entering the metro. Why would he want to hold onto that thing? This went on for a few minutes, and then another large, butch woman with a nice masculine flat top came up and interrogated Dave some more, threatening to have the cops arrest him and take away his passport and what not. After several minutes of putting up with them, Dave finally decided he'd had enough and we should be going now. So he told them that he was leaving and started walking off. But the three women, taking this as a threat to their existence, created a large, soft wall of body fat between them, and one of them yelled out in her best wizard's voice, "You Shall Not Pass!" Well, that part's a little fuzzy, and I don't remember if that's really what happened or what I wanted to happen, but either way, the way was shut before Dave. Then one of the dudes, seeing that his fellow ticket checker people were struggling to keep Dave at bay, jumped into the scene by grabbing Dave and throwing him up against the wall. The dude had a good hundred pounds on Dave, so he slammed him pretty hard up against the wall. His hair was flying up and everything when he hit the wall, making the scene look even more dramatic. I remember thinking, "Everything Dave does, he does it epicly. Even getting thrown against the wall..." So then Dave just kept walking forward with his hands in the air so that they knew that the cameras would see that he didn't have a weapon and that they were illegally throwing him against the wall. He just kept walking forward a couple times and got slammed against the wall several times until finally he broke his way through the wall of fat and bitterness towards years of lacking real authority, and he made his ways towards the exit doors. Then one last dude ran up and tried to assert some of his authority, and he pushed Dave too. Except he didn't think about which way he was pushing Dave, and he pushed him straight out the doors. So there, we were out.
As we made it out, we saw some cops getting out of their cars and making their way toward the metro entrance, so we thought it better to just get out of there. But I'll tell you what, Notre Dame was pretty that night... There's Dave up above shredding what he shreds and showing you the proper way to hold you jaw when you burp.
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