So I've been a little suspicious the last couple of years ever since Matt won our reader's choice awards for most preferred Bolts of Thunder member to be with on a desert island back last summer. Then Matt shocked the world again when he swept this years awards for the zombie apocalypse. I've never let the issue to rest, and this week I stumbled upon the truth that is going to shock the world...
You, the reader, have been doping!
That's right. You've been sucking brain juice out of your head and injecting it back into your brain to increase cerebral activity. If you hadn't been thinking straight, you would have chosen someone else to be on the island or in the zombie apocalypse with you... Like me... you would have chosen me. But due to your increased brain activity and your dendrites connecting faster than they naturally should, you saw through my facade and you went with the wiser choice. Matt. But after seeing what happened to Lance Armstrong getting his metals taken away for doping, I've realized that the only right thing to do would be to strip Matt of his two titles and give them to the person that you would have chosen. Me.
So sorry, Matt, for having to do this to you publicly, but I'm now ripping the badges off your little Bolts of Thunder sash you've got draped over your shoulder, and I'm hot gluing them onto my sash. I now pronounce myself the Bolts of Thunder reader's choice award winner for most preferred Thunder Bolt to be with on a desert island or in the zombie apocalypse. It's too late for you to rebuttal, too, because I've already said the Bolts of Thunder law, motto, and oath (I just like to say it all at once as the mloath. You just chant 'what would Dan do? over and over in your head), and I've graciously accepted your votes for me. Thank you, readers, and sorry Matt, for doing this to you in such an unprofessional and unashamed manner.
Disgraceful.
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