Return of the Lord or the Rings

You didn't think I was going to write today, did you? You probably thought I could tell a sinking ship when I'm on one and I'd gone overboard. No, child, I couldn't leave my baby behind... I'm busy, that's all. But like a good parental figure to my blog, I'm going to give it a couple minutes of attention before I completely ignore it again until tomorrow.

Ok, so we left off yesterday with some good stuff, as I recall. We had Strider, Gollum, Sam, Frodo, honorable kings of men, and Legolas pretty much figured out. You're probably wondering who's up next and if you're going to be in this scenario...

As I thought about it today, I think I came up with a good Lord Elrond, the elf king. And the winner is.... Garrett! Yeah, he is our Lord Elrond. Why him and not me? you're asking yourself. Because I Garrett is reliable. Like Lord Elrond who was always reliable, even when he didn't like men's wicked ways, Garrett is probably the most organized, reliable person I know. He so reliable that pro skate teams call him all the time so he can come filming with them. Bam Margera called him a couple weeks ago asking if he could film him at a casino. No joke, Bam Margera. Seriously, I'm not making that up. Come on, if I wanted to make up a pro, I'd pick someone a little more well-respected in the industry than Bam. Point closed. Yeah, Garrett, given the opportunity to live forever, would definitely have the entire world well organized in his mind. He'd know all the healing spells, he'd come up with some spells of his own, and he'd work his way up in the political life of the elves. And I'd trust Garrett as a leader, he's a sane, solid person. There you go, there's our Lord Elrond...

The next character is a controversial one. Baromir. I already said that Brian could be him, but Brian would definitely survive the great war, so he can't be Baromir. Again, Brian would be a great king of men, honorable and noble. That's how most of us see him already. For Baromir, we need a person as noble, versatile, controversial, and loyal as he is. Someone who'd willingly take a couple arrows to the chest to save Frodo and Sam. Nick. Nick Edwards. Yes, Nick is our Baromir. He's as versatile, controversial, and loyal as the real deal, and I think he'd take an arrow to the chest, if not several, to help the little ones go free. He might have been tempted and driven mad by that ring earlier, but he amended things, redeemed himself, and we can see him off in the noblest of ways. And back at home, wherever that is for Nick, he'd be a great captain that everyone looked up to for protection and leadership. Yeah, Nick is Baromir.

You're probably wondering now if we're going to have any orcs in this scenario. I have just an one in mind. But he's not an ordinary orc. Not the weak, slimy kind that's used as Balrog bait, but the tough goblin and orc mix. The Urukai. This would be our very own Tyson Cantrell. Now many of you don't know Tyson, so I'll tell you about him. He has a rough exterior, a really good grunt, and he's tough. He can work out in the sun for 8 hours straight in the hot St. George sun, so we know he's got endurance. He's a nice guy, and I imagine that if you were to get an Urukai to sit down at a dinner table for a cup of hot chocolate, he'd probably warm up to you. And I think Tyson would go along with the scenario just being the good sport that he is. So I designate Tyson to represent out Urukai...

Ok, this is going to have to continue on another time. I've got to go, it's late... Take a look at Baromir getting a frontside air and doing some community service...

The Lord of the Rings, Thunder Bolt style

I've had this idea for some time, but I finally feel it the appropriate moment to put it on the blog. Much like passing a good stool, an idea must come out at the opportune moment. If it comes out before it's ready, it will come out underdeveloped, sloppy, unorganized, and it will be painful. Conversely, if an idea stays in one's head for too long, the idea will cram the mind, morph into something bitter and angry, and won't come out in its entirety; several writing sessions will be necessary in order to get the idea all the way out. However, if an idea, having been properly prepared and treated with the right amount of attention, love, and patience, comes out when ready, the experience will be pleasant and enjoyable for all. This idea is now ready to come out. If you will therefore allow me, in a sense, to dump my idea onto you, we will proceed...

An idea with an intro like that must be something groundbreaking, right? Sorry to disappoint you, but it's the same stuff I always put out. Just thought I'd pref it with my poop analogy. It's a good analogy, and I give you permission to use it on school exams... Since Bolts of Thunder transcends cultural, ecclesiastical, economical, political, theological, and gangal boundaries, I've applied Bolts of Thunder dynamics to "The Lord of the Rings." What if the entire Bolts of Thunder crew was magically whisked away into Middle Earth and we were all of a sudden the characters of movies/books. Get where I'm going? Think of the fun you can have with this scenario, thinking of who would be who...

Yes, this is the idea that has been occupying my mind as of late, getting in the way of school work and sleep. But not eating or skating because I can think of this scenario when I do both of those. Ok, first off, you're wondering who would be who. First off, who will be Strider? I feel there is a clear answer to the question: Dave McDonald. The hair, the beard, jumping in harms way for the good of the team, and the passion all make Dave the perfect candidate for Strider. With Dave at the helm, we'd get lost in the Mines of Moria and the planes of Rohan for sure, but it'd be a fun experience. And it'd be pretty awesome seeing Dave fight all those orcs and stuff. Oh yeah, and he'd hook up with an elf princess at the end...

Gollum. Who is crazy enough to play Gollum? Wizard. The half-shaved head, 2 feet long hair do, the small frame, and the high endurance for pain make Wizard my Gollum. He seems like the kind of person that could get obsessed with a ring and stop at nothing to get it. Now, I almost chose Wizard to be one of the Wizards, seeing as they share the same name. But Wizard just strikes me as a good Gollum. Even if he's not like Gollum, when after we'd start our scenario, he'd play along as Gollum just to be a good sport. Then he'd slowly morph from his Hobit self into the nasty creature that Gollum is. Yeah, Wizard is Gollum.

Who would be a man? This might sound like an easy question to answer, but we need a real man. A man's man that would be a king of men. One that you could make a giant man statue out of after his death to remember his legacy. I see one and only one person that can fulfill the roll of all men everywhere in Middle Earth. Brian Hart. His beard is a wonder to behold, he has the strength of four men, and he's not afraid. He would lead Rohan to victory and keep the forces of Mordor at bay along the White City, not to mention Minus Tirath. Brian embodies Baromir, the Rohan king when he's not being a pussy, and men in general when they're not being subdued by rings and women. I would follow Brian into battle and into victory. Brian, you have my allegiance.

Now we need a Frodo and a Sam. Frodo has to be a character that everyone likes. He has to be selfless, resourceful, go crazy towards the end. My candidate for Frodo is Sam Milianta. Everyone likes Sam, and he'd probably crawl into Mordor and into the mountain of fire if he had been entrusted with that duty. As Frodo's companion, I'd say Weston was Samwise. I mean, they share a part in the video, they go way back, and I think they'd get along best on the trip.

The elves... Who is beautiful enough, picturesque enough, blonde enough, and in general mystical enough to be an elf? Obvious answer: Dan Shaw. We already know he can't die, so he's a shoe in. Dan would grow golden locks of hair that he could use as a rope to get himself out of any situation. Having had thousands of years of practice he would never miss a shot with his bow. He'd be the perfect Legolas to be with Strider (Dave) in battle. Yeah, this is going to work good because Dave and Dan get along really well, so it's going to make their operations run much smoother. Dan is the perfect elf.

Ok, I have much, much more to say about this scenario, but I have school work that needs some attending to. TBC tomorrow...

Enjoy an epic grassride performed by Bolts of Thunder's Gollum, Wizard.

A ranting post, sorry

You probably wake up every morning and wonder what it looks like when I'm writing these blog posts. You'd probably expect some marvelous scene with brain dendrites connecting, an organized book shelf, pen and paper in hand to record unanticipated inspiration, and some kind of sophisticated drink next to me, just because I'm cool like that. You know, like an $8 frapachili that gets my mind moving in the right direction. Sorry to disappoint all of you, but that's not what it looks like. It's actually a dark, unorganized scene, wrought with distractions, pointlessness, ranting, and nothing that truly inspires. That picture above, that is the scene I am describing. It is the scene from which this blog is born... Thanks Margaret for letting us use your computer over there...

So for all of you profile-stalking facebook junkies out there, and according to the New York times you are many, you will notice that it is my birthday today. I don't even know how you know that, but there's something somewhere in the cyber web that tells you whose birthday it is. Am I correct in saying this? I think so because people that I don't even know exist are apparently my friends on facebook and wishing me happy birthday. I assume facebook is telling them because I don't know how else they'd know. Thanks for all your wishes people, even if I don't know who you are...

Yes, today is my birthday. I am 27 and haven't felt better in my life. Seriously, I feel great. But turning 27 does concern me. It doesn't concern me in that I'm getting older and more fully realizing my own mortality, or because I'm losing my hair, or because my car insurance doesn't give us the good-grade discount because I'm not 25 or younger. What concerns me is that age 27 has claimed the lives of some great artists, such as Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Brian Jones, and Amy Winehouse, to name a few. Actually, I think that's all of them. That's it? Seriously? I thought more would have died... Everyone kept raving about how all the musicians die at 27, but I've only named 6. And Amy Winehouse? What did she do that was so great? Man, I started this post today thinking I would describe my fears of dying at age 27 being the great artist I am (you've seen Bolts of Thunder and Bolts of Thunder Gone Wild's intros, you know what I'm talking about), but it's quickly turning into questioning the 27 year old club. Now don't get me wrong, I love all of the musicians above, except for Amy Winehouse (not that I hate her either, but I just don't know what she's done that's worth putting her in the same category as the rest. Correct me if I'm wrong here), so I'm not questioning them. I'm questioning the people that think 27 is a crazy year when everyone dies. Ok, wait, I just read more on the wikipedia page, and it gives a big list at the bottom of other artists that died at 27. But I haven't even heard of them. What about all the artists that died at childbirth? There's not a wikipedia page for them...

Ok, I can feel it right now, this post is really annoying some people. You are the members of the clubs that created the 27 club. You're probably the ones that killed all of the artists at age 27 just so you could create this club! I know too much... Either way, I'm not a musician, I'm just a bleeding heart and an artist, so I don't think I should have to die this year. And I don't think I will. So don't worry everyone, Bolts of Thunder will live on past this year, for better or for worse...

Ode to Nick

Like all things terrestrial, Nick has come and gone in the Provo skate scene. However, in his own words, "don't write my obituary yet. You haven't seen the last of me." Or something like that. I'm quoting from memory here, so don't quote me exactly on what I just said. I should take the quotation marks off, but I'm not going to. They serve a point, to let you know that I'm serious about this quoting business. Anyway, Nick packed up and skipped town about a month ago, going to Rhode Island to become a mad scientist, taking apart people's brains and building newer, cooler ones. Bolts of Thunder standard issue ones.

So before Nick headed out, Dan and I had a final skate session with him. For the last time, Nick showed us all the finer points of blunts to fakie. Nick, your memory will live on as we blunt our way into the future. Know that you paved the way for Bolts of Thunder and helped make it what it is today. Whatever it is.

I usually leave poetry the aitch out of this blog, but I thought I'd give it a little stab today, seeing as Nick was an English major before he switched teams to Neuroscience. It is entitled "Ode to Nick"

Your helmet-wearing and roof-riding
tickled my stomach and gave my face a smiling
And as I recall, you scared us all
when on that rail, you took a fall
Your hat went a flying
as my eyes went a crying
but with dignity you redeemed yourself
when off that roof you threw yourself
Onto  a landing not-so tame
riding away into fame
as of yet we have to see
an ending to compare with thee...

Of old men, you backed not down,
at the camera, your mustache did frown,
when push came to shuv, you jump-kicked
and into grinds your board did flip
On poles you jammed
as last tricks you crammed
and saved you family
as well as the world
from doom incomparable
and from horrors untold

Bolts of Thunder holds you in honor
as from Provo you are a goner
good times we had
having fun
hanging with the lads
and laughing tons
We'll miss you, friend
but we'll see you again
so until then
this is not the end...

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? this isn't part of the ode, this is just the blog. yeah, try that for poetry! good luck out there Nick, hope to see you soon!

Tain't over tillts over!

Dave winding up for a shuv it out of that loop grind

Fate has a funny way of biting, no, stabbing you right in the back. After I thought it was all over, I found an interesting article, two of them in fact, just sitting on top of my Irish Spring bar of soap. Although nobody has been convicted yet, I have my suspicions, strong ones at that, and I will hunt down the perpetrator and get my justice. I have a good friend of mine, not my wife, that stayed at my house the last two nights, and I can recall three separate occasions he was in my bathroom, leaving him ample time to plant those objects. Although we are currently inconclusive as to who it was, I kept the two articles obtained in the shower, and we're testing them for finger prints. More to come, stay tuned...

While you stay tuned, enjoy Dave.

Ride that grassride in the sky

This is for all the lonely skaters
Thinking grassrides have passed them by
Don't you stop until you
Ride of the greenest crop
And ride that grassride in the sky
-MrBoltsofThunder

Hospital security guard encounters's

I know I've put up pictures of these tricks before. But just so you get the point of how gnarly this hubba is to skate, I'm putting these up again. And, until you get the point, I just might put different angles of them up another time, just so you learn to behave. I have that kind of authority to put up more pictures, and I will not hesitate to do it! Don't test me, don't you dare, don't you dare...

I will just come straight out and say it: the hospital has a security guard that is insane and must be stopped. By "be stopped" I mean just ignore him. Don't actually use physical force to try and make him do anything, that's not what I'm advocating. Our lawyer was sure to make me add that for legal purposes, and I stand by it. I stand by my lawyer, too. Ok, so the security guard is crazy, irrational, overweight, and in general not the brightest person I've come across. I've run into him two different times in my life, and each time was memorable enough to deserve a post dedicated to them. He's the kind of person that offends you so very badly when you just look at him, whose personage radiates discontent, malice, and ill-will towards others. It's probably the fact that he's a retired cop that he's so unhappy with his life, and he's sure to tell you that at the beginning of his crazy rants against you. Each encounter I've had with him started with him saying, "I'm a retired cop and a security guard!..." What, since you're not a cop any more, do I have to listen to you? Do you even have any real authority? I don't know...

So the first encounter I had with him was during omelet night at the hospital cafe. Yeah, the hospital actually has an omelet night, meaning they want outsiders to come and eat there. These events are usually chock full of hypocritical hipsters who denounce the love of meat then divulge themselves on the fetuses of unborn chickens... Anyway, I was there with Ammon and some other friends, you know, just eating our omelets and minding our own business. Because there was a large group of us, we put two tables together and were all huddled around our tables. We were just talking when out of left field came this 6 foot 5, 300 pound flabby security guard with a chip on his shoulder the size of.. the size of a large chip, and hatred in his soul for us. He came up to us and just started yelling. Forget asking us to put the tables back, just yell instead. This is the kind of idiot we're dealing with, he shoots first, then doesn't even ask questions later. He just shoots. In all directions too. You don't even know what he's shooting at. So he started his rant with the usual lecture, "I'm a retired cop and a security guard! You can't have the tables put together like that! This isn't Denny's or Arby's where you can do whatever you want; this is a quality establishment!" Ok, all you had to do was ask kindly, but whatever, we'll put them back... So our friend Dan, not Daniel R Shaw, but another friend, who wasn't going to take it, No, he ain't gonna take it, told the security guard, "You're a jerk!" This for some strange reason came as a shock to the dude that people would consider him a jerk, after all, he had asked nicely... So the cop retaliated by taking Dan aside and telling him that he had to leave the hospital or he'd call the cops on him for trespassing. So Dan came back, told us he was kicked out, and we had to leave. We all went outside and for about 1 minute tried discussing what we were going to do next, but the guy followed us outside and said that we were trespassing because we hadn't left yet, and he was calling the cops.

There are moments of true bravery. Then there are other moments of confusion and disarray. This was one of those other moments. Dan, not wanting the cops to come and arrest him for calling a security guard a jerk or for trespassing at the public omelet night at the hospital, remained silent when the cop asked him his name. Three times the cop asked him his name, and he opened not his mouth... Then, seeing as he was headed to the chair if he stayed around and fell into the hands of the cops, Dan did the extreme. He ran. It wasn't a fast run, but a hesitant trot. Like every step he was thinking, "should I be doing this? Should I just go back?" But he was in too deep, there was no going back now. The security guard, having eaten too many happy meals in his day, was in no shape to chase after a half-trotting Dan, so we all just stood in the parking lot in silence, watching Dan run across the street and hide in the parking lot across from the hospital. The best part of this scene was Dan's hair. He had this curly blonde white-man afro that bounced around with each step, making his head look like one of those bobble head toys that you put on your dashboard in your car. Good stuff.

After Dan ran away, the security guard couldn't come up from all this yelling empty handed. So, for reasons beyond our human understanding, the guy singled out Ammon as his next victim. The guy kept demanding that Ammon tell him Dan's name, but Ammon refused. Ammon ain't no rat. Even in the face of certain death, Ammon refused to say anything. The mark of a true friend. The guy blocked our car in with his golf cart, called the cops, and had Ammon banned from the hospital cafeteria for an entire year on account of his non-compliance. "I'm trespassing you!" the security guard kept telling Ammon. Can one trespass another? Or does one trespass on one's own? I think the cop got mixed up in his transitive and intransitive verb use. Retard.

A couple days later, craving the hospitals recycled frying oil and chicken strips, Ammon took his chances and went back to the hospital. To disguise himself, Ammon drew a mustache on his upper lip with a sharpie. It was the perfect disguise and got us safely into the cafeteria. Ammon - 1, Security Guard - 0.

The second incident I've had with this dude was a month or so ago in the final stages of filming for the video. We skated the hospital hubba two days in a row, which is not the best idea. You usually don't get more than a couple minutes there, but we stayed a combined total of more than an hour in those two days. The first day we skated it just fine, but my camera died, so we couldn't film Wizard's 50-50. Wanting to get it for the video, we went back the next day and Wizard got it again. Parker also skated it this time and crooked grinded it. But we flew too close to the sun on wings of hubbas, and the security guard pulled up in this huge truck trailer, blocking in our cars. He got out and gave us the same well-rehearsed dialogue, "I'm a cop and a retired security officer!" He's the kind of guy that comes on so strong that most people have no choice but to fight back. But, having served missions and having had our fair share of run-ins with idiot cops, me and Matt new the drill: just be nice and leave. He was shocked when we just said, "Ok, have a good day," and started packing up all our stuff. All of us there calmly and quietly started putting our boards away, getting ready to leave in our cars, but the guy wanted action. He didn't come all this way over to the other side of the hospital to watch us leave. He wanted blood. Man blood. He wanted to drink man blood. "No, you are trespassing! I will trespass all of you if you don't leave!" "ok, we're leaving," and we kept putting our stuff away. By this time he was livid that there was not fighting back, and he got out his notepad and started writing our license plate numbers. I guess he's going to go home, google those numbers, and see if he can't find any warrants floating around on the intranet with our names on them... He prolonged the incident by having our cars blocked in, and we wanted to leave, but he hadn't moved his truck yet. Finally, after we had all gotten in our cars and hadn't argued with him, he came up to our window and said, "look, I hate to be the bad guy, and I hate to be so mean about it... But you're not allowed to skate here..." HA! He even apologized for having been mean about it. Our Gandhi-style passive aggressive resistance proved to be effective in disarming the ogre, and we got out of there unscathed. Us - 2, security guard - 0.