Inspector Gadget Pimp Villain

So I took the GRE today. Apparently I do not have verbal skills, which might account for all this confusion I create on the blog. But regardless, I refuse to learn those crazy words, and I'm not taking that test again. So you can forget about my verbal skills getting any better! So it's been a good two or so weeks since we've even mentioned pimps or hoes on this blog, which is an abnormally long time for Bolts of Thunder. Just as way of a reminder, Bolts of Thunder strongly looks down upon pimping and hoeing; we are fierce supporters of getting your love and money the good old fashioned way. Seriously. Men, treat your women right. Women, have some respect for yourselves. So when we were in Nice, we had a good old fashioned stake out on the balcony of our hotel with a camera and a telephoto lens. Who knows what kind of fun you might have, but being in Nice, you're bound to see something. As it turned out, our hotel was situated in the middle of some kind of pimp/prostitute crime center with pimps and hoes up and about at all hours of the night. The pimp must have owned a little pizza place across the street from us. Those are the best pictures we could get of him. He was like the villain on "Inspector Gadget," he never showed his face... Matt wanted me to point out that he was wearing a full Adidas track suit with stripes up and down the side. So we turned off all the lights in the hotel and sat on the balcony, snapping off shots of dudes talking to the women, and the women getting into their cars. I realized later that we have the license plate number of one of the perverts that pulled up. After seeing "Taken," I quite naturally assume that he's one of the leading members of French parliament or something. Does France even have a parliament, or am I making that up? I don't know. But either way, Kwi-Gon is going to find him and kill him... Anyway, it was really sad seeing these girls down on the street like this, so this is Bolts of Thunder's weekly call out to all men to be gallant and love the women around you. And if you can't do that, then get off this blog...

Hospital Security Guards story

This weekend I went with my brothers to Raging Waters up in Salt Lake, and we saw Brigham Mellor, one of our friends from high school. It's rare that you randomly run into someone from high school that you actually like, so it was good to see him for a minute. So when we saw him, it reminded me of an epic security guard chase we had in St. George at the hospital that Brigham was involved in. It was one of those great security vs skater pickles that we often found ourselves in whilst terrorizing the streets of St George. So we (me, Matt, and probably 6 other friends in St George) were skating this 9 stair at the hospital. It's like one of the only half decent 9 stairs that you can skate in St George, so it's worth the risk of getting chased by the cops to skate it. I had kickflipped an 8 stair the weekend earlier, so we went there because I wanted to kickflip a 9 stair now. All my friends didn't want to get busted, so they just hid their boards in the bushes while they watched me. I only got one try before this security guard in a golf cart came flying around the corner, yelling at us to get out of there. We all took off, but my friends were too startled to even grab their boards. So when we all regrouped afterwards, 6 of my friends had left their boards in the bushes, and the security guards would probably find them. And once found, the security guards would undoubtedly have their way with them... We couldn't let that happen, so we formulated a plan to sneak in and get them back. We thought it would be standard MO: just run in real quick, grab your boards, and run out. But when we ninjaed our way over, we saw the stairs surrounded by 4 different security guards; 2 on foot, 2 on cart... And not only that, it's like they knew we were coming back, and they were all looking for something, and they all had walkie talkies out. One of them saw us and started running after us, so we took off and hid behind a church, a universally recognized neutrality zone. So we had to completely scratch our first plan and come up with a new one. For middle schoolers, I feel we were quite clever and resourceful when dealing with these kinds of situations, and we came up with a pretty good plan. I would run out as bait to lure a couple security guards after me, little Indian Joey would run behind me to lure off the other ones, then Bobby and Rico would run up, grab the boards, and take off. Matt would just watch from the bushes. I think he even told us that that's what he was going to do. Every great adventure needs an official historian. Matt was ours. So we quickly rehearsed our plan then went after it. I started running in the street towards the 9 stairs when out of nowhere, a security in a cart came creeping around a corner right behind me. We'd been surrounded! I mean literally, 3, maybe 4 feet behind me. Apparently while we were making our game plan, the security guards had anticipated our next move and had created a plan of their own. An offensive plan. So I started running up this hill in front of the hospital, and the golf cart dude pursued closely behind. But the steepness of the hill and a lifelong addiction to fast food on the security guard's part prevented the golf cart from gaining any ground on me. He followed right behind me for a good 7 or 8 seconds, staying right on my heels, before I hooked a sharp right and took off through a little ally. Matt had strategically placed himself in the heart of some thick bushes, and he got a profile shot of the entire thing: me sprinting up a hill with a security guard in a golf cart pushing full throttle following 3 feet behind me. Matt was laughing pretty hard when I met back up with him. On the other end, Joey, Bobby, and Rico's plan had also been thwarted by the security guards. They had all been chased in separate directions, and one of the guards felt a personal vendetta to catch Bobby. So he chased after Bobby for like a straight minute around a block, and he thought he had cornered Bobby when Bobby decided to put display his amazing ability to jump off tall objects to the security guard. He hopped right over this fence with an 8 or 9 foot drop on the other side and took off. The security guard, out of breath and obviously not crazy, fit, or dedicated enough to jump over the fence after Bobby, yelled at Bobby as he ran, "Don't run kid, or I'll break your legs!" I imagine it looked kind of like on "The Fugitive" when Tommy Lee Jones traps Harrison Ford at the edge of that Dan, and Harrison Ford jumps off it.... "I didn't trespass on your property," said Bobby. "I don't care..." replied the security guard. So we all regrouped at our designated spot and told each other of how we got chased. Matt was able to witness most of it from his bird-eyes vies in the bushes. He was able to help us piece together how it went down because he saw several chasings at the same time. We didn't know what to do, and we could only imagine that they, themselves, we regrouping and calling in for backup. It was in this, our greatest moment of despair, that we saw a flickering spark of hope... Brigham Mellor. It turned out that our regrouping spot was right in front of Brigham's house, so when he was leaving the house, we all saw him. We got the great idea that maybe Brigham could just walk up, grab our boards, and bring them back. So we explained the situation to him, and he just said, "sure, I'll be right back." He pulled off in his blue truck and came back like 2 minutes later with all our boards in the bed of the truck. It was that easy. He was like, "yeah, there were some guys in golf carts looking around for you guys, but they didn't even notice me." Man, I'm happy I got chased when I was a kid. My racquetball teacher at school was reading the newspaper about this kid on BYU campus that tried running from cops for something stupid like writing on the sidewalks with chalk was charged with a felon for trying to evade a police officer. I guess that's extreme, but this kid obviously didn't have any kind of experience or plan. Anyway, I'm glad we got to have fun as kids, I'm glad that security guard was so fat that his cart couldn't go any faster to catch me, and I'm glad that we saw Brigham yesterday which reminded me of this whole thing. Thanks Brigham.

Interview with a superhero

This new interview deal is really catching fire. So I emailed Dan some questions that definitely needed answering, and I'm happy to say that they questions have finally been put to rest. It's funny how Dan keeps trying to publicly deny his super-heroness, but then what he does totally proves that he's a superhero. Kind of like how Superman wears glasses when he pretends to be mortal, but then he saves the world and stuff. So in this little interview, you're going to see feeble attempts on Dan's part to cover his tracks as a superhuman, but then he totally reveals it all when he says how far he travelled in Europe on his bike, how fast he's gone on his snowboard, how he survived the nights in Switzerland, and what he ate for food... Yeah people, Dan is a superhero, whether he denies it or not...

(MrBoltsofThunder) Dan, how does it feel to be invincible?

(Daniel R Shaw) hmmm. thats a tough one to answer. i hate to break it to you Jon but i am vincible. i can be broken just like everybody else can. 

How far, exactly did you ride your bike over in Europe, and in how many days?

i road my bike a bit over a thousand miles and i did it in 12 days of riding. i was out for a week and a half on my bike. i spent some days just hanging out or hiking about. 

What was the craziest/funniest thing you witnessed over there?

well, something funny doesnt come to mind. crazy things usually happened when i was trying to get a sheltered sleep while going through switzerland, austria, holland, and belgium.  i was in zurich for the night and i was planning to sleep under a gardening shed in a national park but then i found a bunch of spiders there. i had already let it get dark because i wasn't planning on leaving that place for another sleeping spot. All i had to eat was raw oats with water and nutella (i chewed them all up together in my mouth). so i took off to find another place to sheltered sleep. i ended up sleeping in a construction zone in the park. i slept under a construction hut. it was a great sleep and best of all it was dry. i woke up at 630 when the construction workers came to greet me. they offered me a hot cup of coffee and we all chatted for a while about how great switzerland was. 

.

If you were a male model, what would you like to model, what article of clothing, brand, etc...

haha. probably something classy like a pair of kaki sailing shorts (light blue). Brand doesnt matter much to me. 

So in Dave's interview, he said that he'd want to be stranded on an island with you and that you guys wouldn't even need tools, but that you would take care of all that. And he even said he could probably convince the local cannibals that you are a demi-god, that way you guys wouldn't have to confront them in violent conflict. How do these statements make you feel? Do you agree with Dave; do you feel like you're a demi-god at times?

wow, thats very flattering. Thank you guys. well. i dont think im really that handy. But being handy is one of my favorite things. i like to do things well and get them done with minimal resources. so thank you for characterizing me that way. i do not try to show it. i just enjoy being handy very much. 

Ok, so same questions for you: Who would you prefer to be stranded on an island with out of the Bolts of Thunder family? And how would you treat the cannibal population on the island, would you be hostile towards them or try to convince them that you mean no harm?

i would spend the time with Nick out there on the island. we'd first make some huts for sleeping in, then some spears to protect ourselves from the cannibals, and then some surf boards to pass the time. we'd never actually use the spears. but we'd paint our faces and make it seem like we are more blood thirsty than they. 

What's the earliest memory you have?

i remember trying to immitate my brother by sliding across the wood floor on my socks. i feel and split my head open which made it a memorable experience. thats the first thing that comes to mind. i must have been three. 

When's the last time someone saw you walking around naked? hahaha! completely naked huh?

hmmmm.... probably a few months ago at my old appartment while going from my room to the shower. i'd usually wear my hand while walking to the shower. 

How many stairs have you tailwhipped on a razor scooter?

that was long ago. probably like seven or eight at most. 

What's the biggest jump you've done on a snowboard, and what tricks did you do over it?

the longest gap was probably around sixty five feet at park city a few years ago. i wasnt going to through any flips or spins over it. just a classic eighties method grab.

How fast have you gone on your bike?

i dont know. i really cannot say. never checked. ive gone 70 on a snowboard though. 

Remember Jack, our old landlord? Yeah, he was an idiot. My mind's a little fuzzy as to what went down when we tried getting our security deposits back, do you remember that ordeal at all?...

hahaha. yeah. i couldnt deal with him. the few times i tried to phone him, we just started yelling fiercly at each other. i just let Jon handle it. he faught for me. thank you Jon for getting me 200 dollars!! Jon knew how to threaten Jack and get what we needed out of him. i didnt. 

When you're a dentist, will you give Bolts of Thunder free dental work?

haha. of course. i would love to help out. 

This is your time to shine on the blog Dan, what would you like to say?...

I miss you guys and i'll see y'all in august. Thank you all for reading the bolts of thunder blog. i love it. its the best one out there and the only one that i read. 

Daniel Shaw 

Interview with Dave McDonald

So here is post number 2 for the day. Once again, don't neglect the first post for today. I like that one. It's the one where I announce on the blog that I'm getting married and the date of our next video premier. But this post couldn't wait for tomorrow, I had to put it up today. So you know Bolts of Thunder, we're always innovating and what not. That's how we keep our edge and stay on top of the game. Innovation. So I thought of this great idea for our blog: "Why don't we conduct interviews with Thunder Bolts?" So I thought up of a bunch of random questions that you all want to know the answers to, and I emailed them to Dave. I felt Dave would be a fitting first interviewee candidate, seeing as he scored the first post ever of this blog. His response to my email is one of the funniest things I've read in a long time, and I couldn't wait a second longer to put this up. I hope you enjoy this interview and the newest feature of the Bolts of Thunder blog. In reading this, my voice is the normal text, Dave's answers are in bold. Thanks Dave for your prompt responses...

(MrBoltsofThunder) so how long have you been skating?

 

(Dave McDonald) Since I was 13. I'm 40 now, so... yeah. I don't remember the first board I had, it might have been a World Industries... but the first time I stepped on my friend's board I knew I wanted to keep doing it.

 

What goes through your head when you're dropping in on a huge wall, throwing your body down a gap, or swinging your skateboard at gypsies? what goes through your head right before you pop on ollie onto a rail?

Nothing. Thats the rad thing about it. All the fear, all pressure, all that stuff happens previous to the trick. When you're in the middle of it, there is nothing but concentration. Its one of those rare moments that all you can possibly focus one in the whole world is one thing--pulling the trick. If you start thinking of other things you could get wrecked.

 

If you were stranded on an island with one member of Bolts of Thunder, who would it be and why? And let's make this scenario interesting, let's say that you can have 3 tools with you (a knife, spoon, flashlight, etc...), what would they be.

Easy answer, Dan. I wouldn't even need any tools if Dan were there. Anyone that knows Dan knows thats true.

Ok, let's go a little further with this scenario. Let's say there are indigenous cannibals on the island. Only a handful, maybe 15 at the most. Would you try to learn their language, culture, and human eating ways and assimilate into their culture. Or would you and your Bolts of Thunder comrade rage war against them in a territorial fight for the island?

I'm not the greatest at making friends with people that want to eat me, but I'd be okay knowing Dan was there. I would just follow his lead, 'cause if there is one thing I've learned as a Thunder Bolt its that Dan cannot die. 

I dunno, I'm quick on my feet. If I saw the cannibals camp and had time to built up a strong-hold without getting detected it might be a good way to go down. Or maybe, I could try and convince them that Dan was a demi-god, kind of like what happened with the ewoks in Star Wars. The latter would probably end up going down. Dan always gets into precarious situations only walk away unscathed.

When's the last time you sharted, diarrheaed, or straight up crapped your pants? Be honest now... 

A couple years ago when I was on my mission. For a while, we had been barely sleeping, and eating horribly. I was studying at like eight in the morning and let one go; it was exciting. 

So you told me a funny story of how you had to wrestle your half-naked 300 pound boss in his back yard in front of his family to get your job back. Did you win that match? What happened there, and what was going through your head as you were grabbing his sweaty, flabby, smelly body?

Brett Taylor is a 300-pound loose canon. He does and says whatever he wants, and he is rich. The guy basically hired me to be his boy; I was to show up looking good and go wherever he wanted me. He'd buy me things, feed me, and pay me nicely. It was cool, but obviously creepy. I started to get lax and just show up whenever I wanted and stuff. So, he re-asserted his authority one day and fired me. That night, I showed up to his place to get me "job" back. He opened the door in his underwear and invited me in. He took me to the back room where he sat in a rocking chair and told me that I could have my job back... if I wrestled him. Yeah.

So, we went to the backyard. The family gathered around. He was still in his underwear, of course. At the time, I weighed like 150 lbs, and I've never actually wrestled anyone but my little brothers. We began circling around each other, David and Goliath. He had a satisfied, but insane air about him. I was just confused and embarrassed to have debased myself to the point that I was in the situation, at all. 

I lunged at him. He slapped his hands around both my arms, squeezed me, lifted me up and put me on the ground. He kept squeezing as he slowly lowered down to my face. He could have finished me off for good, mortal combat fatality style. Instead, he just got really close to me and stared until he knew that I knew, it was over. He was my boss. 

The next day we went golfing and ate Italian food.

When's the last time you took off your clothes for money? Would you like to explain the context of that situation, or do you just want to leave the reader wondering what the universe had done to you to make you strip for money?

Its not just for money, alright? Its a way of life. Its who I am. 

Anything else you want to say to our viewers on our blog?

Here's a few things the world needs more of: accountants, bankers, lawyers, and door-to-door salesmen.  

END.

Bolts of Thunder news update

So all you cars out there that want me dead, you can forget about it! I'm at school right now which means that I once again survived a treacherous bike ride through the streets of Provo. Riding your bike in Provo is like playing a real life game of "Paperboy," the old Nintendo game. In riding these streets, you've gotta keep your whits about you. If you stop paying attention for one second, you risk an 18 year old retard on her cell phone behind the wheel of a BMW t-boning you and your bike into oblivion. I saw 3 of them this morning, and I threw my handy stash of protective newspapers, always readily available when riding my bike, at the cars to scare them off... So in Bolts of Thunder news, we have a softball team, "Bats of Thunder"! I have to give David Law credit for that name, he's the one that came up with it. We had our first game the other night, and my dad hit a home run. I'd expect nothing less from him. We have another game tomorrow morning, so if any supporters want to come cheer us on, field 4 at 9:30. See you there... Ok, now comes some pretty big bits of news: the official announcement of the date of the "Bolts of Thunder Gone Wild" video premier, and Bolts of Thunder's first wedding! My wedding... And I'm marrying a girl. Actually, it's Rachel, Bolts of Thunder's seamstress. It's like one of those office scandals where I've been hooking up with one of the other employees. Yeah, kind of like that. You heard right people, I'm tired of hiding who I really am for all these years. I can't stay shut up inside for ever, so I'm officially coming out of the tool shed and announcing to the world that I'm attracted to women. I have been my entire life. I hope you can understand my feelings and my decision and support me 100% in this matter. Rachel even requested that I insert a direct quote from her, "[Jon Hart is] gorgeous. A real man. A beautiful man. With perfect legs." That's a real quote, I swear I didn't make it up... So the video premier is going to be on August 12. We don't know where or what time, but we know that we are having it on that date. Then we've strategically planned the entire wedding around the video premier, so we're getting married the very next day, August 13. That way all the friends and family that have traveled so far for the video premier can stay for the wedding, if they so choose. It'll be kind of a video premier after-party of sorts... Anyway, now that the video deadline is out there, and it's only like 7 weeks away, you should expect to see Bolts of Thunder redoubling its efforts to bring you the finest in skateboarding... In announcing our wedding, I thought I'd put up our announcement/invitation picture. Thank you Matt for taking those, and thanks Hannah for being our stylist. So the first picture just barely pulled ahead of the runner up for official photo. The runner up, shown bellow, is still a pretty awesome picture. I was going for the old man pervert look while Rachel was going for the 4 year old sitting-on-Santa's-lap look. I think we both pulled it off pretty good. That's our big Bolts of Thunder news. So if you're a true Thunderbolt, you're invited to the video premier and the the video premier after party (the wedding reception). We're registered at Target... I added the pictures of Dan hugging a tree and Brian and me skateboarding just to give you a little somethin somethin to look at...

Scary images of Matt in your head

Do I have to keep reminding you? There were never any promises when we started this blog. I didn't promise to write every day. I just thought it would be better if we didn't have any kind of formal contract, and I could write whatever I felt like whenever I felt like it. So that's why I didn't write yesterday. And if you're not careful, I might not even push the "publish post" button when I'm done typing this one, and you won't get any today either! So school's not so bad anymore. I switched out a hard class for beginning racquetball and weightlifting, so I get to exercise my body instead of losing all my hair. Not a bad deal. That reminds me of when I told this teaching assistant in one of my classes last year that I didn't like economics, and I was going to change my major so I didn't have to take economics. He looked me square in the eyes and said very seriously, "Don't be afraid of doing something just because it's hard." First I wanted to tell him to shut up. Then I wanted to sucker punch him in the stomach and say some kind of Arny Shwashignger come back like, "are you afraid of a hard punch?" But I doing so would definitely take away from my street cred, and I don't have much street cred to spare. So I told him instead that going to school was hard enough. Which it is. Anyway, I have a class that starts now, and I have to go. I just want to leave you with this picture of Matt glaring at you with one eye. I like to think that his other eye is staring straight in front of him, completely focused on whatever it is he's filming.

The most amazing performance of Little Orphan Annie

So I already put up a post today, but I've decided to put up another one. School started for me today, and I'm already burnt out on it. With school starting, I'm legally mandated by my doctor to put up my stress-o-meter again which detects hair loss and tells how likely I am to be stressed that day. Kind of like the fire warning meters that tell you how likely you are to burn down the forest if you light a match. Or my personal favorite is the former Homeland Security meter that would tell us all how afraid of getting blown up by terrorists we should be that day in leaving our houses. That was a great idea, a meter that would strike a sense of pride in every Americans heart and bring unity to a country as we all sat inside our makeshift bomb shelters in our basements on days with high warnings... It's a good thing nobody ever even paid attention to that thing, or the first Bolts of Thunder video probably wouldn't have been finished. Anyway, I'm supposed to be reading right now, and I'm about to start reading, but I needed to do a little something that would take my mind off school for a minute, so torturing you via blog was the best thing I could think of. So while we're here, I'm going to tell you a story. I must first say that this is a true story, it's too rich to have been fabricated out of thin air. It's the kind of thing that you pray and wish would happen when you're obligated by familial ties to attend a school musical, but it never does happen. But this time it did happen. So I was reminded of this story yesterday at dinner, and it's too good a story to keep locked away in my memory vault. So here it is, for all to read and rejoice in... So when I was 18, my sister was in the high school production of "Little Orphan Annie", and she played Daddy Warbucks' personal secretary. The drama teacher guy that was directing the play deemed the entire student population unworthy of playing the sacred and highly coveted role of Daddy Warbucks, so he reserved that special role for himself. Being that Rim of the World High school put on this little musical number, it goes without saying that it was one of the worst critically acclaimed high school musicals of it's time. But that's beside the point. The point is the last day of the performance, when students, faculty, and families combined were happy that they would never again have to watch Rim's rendition of this play, all hell broke loose in the middle of Daddy Warbucks' living room. It was the song, "I think I'm gonna like it here," and one of Daddy Warbucks' many indentured servants was doing what was supposed to be a standard hitch kick when he poorly stuck the landing and busted his knee on the middle of the stage. He had a microphone on, so he just started screaming profanities and incomprehensible rants into the microphone as he crawled on the floor with his broken knee. Nobody in the the audience or on the stage remembered the line, "I broke my f---ing knee!!!!" in the song, so half the singers/dancers stopped mid song and just stared at the kid as he crawled in pain on the floor, trying to remember if they had simply forgotten a vital part of the song, or if the kid was really in trouble. This scene was too much for Daddy Warbucks, and he half-fainted on stage. He would have completely fallen off the stage, but my little sister grabbed him by the back of his collar and helped balance him until he came through. The funny thing is that through all of this, nobody went out to help him, nobody cut the microphones, everyone just watched the kid as he screamed on the stage. That's how serious Rim is about their musical productions; the show will go on regardless of crappy performances and broken knees. After a minute, they finally realized that they should help the kid, and someone shut the curtains. Everyone took off their microphones because the play had stopped... Everyone except the kid with the broken knee. For a good fifteen minutes, he moaned and occasionally screamed in pain as he awaited the ambulance to take him away, and the audience could hear every breath of it. Let me try to draw this image for you: the audience was sitting in a dark auditorium staring at a dimly lit red curtain and hearing over the loud speakers every couple of seconds, "oh man... oh man!... my knee's busted.... My f---ing knee's busted! oh f--- man... aw.... awwwwww......." You get the idea. Yeah, a good, solid 15 minutes of it. And I think the audience secretly enjoyed it. Nobody went to tell the sound people what was up. Everyone just wanted more. It was a sort of payback for having to sit through a normally boring and painful rendition of "Little Orphan Annie," and the audience was happy to have a few moments of true entertainment. The climax of it all was when one of the other kids had the epiphany that he wanted to be a doctor, and he wanted to start his career right then. He told the hurt kid he could pop the kid's knee back into place. So the hurt kid, into the microphone, said, "oh man, I don't think so... no man... no way...." But the doctor insisted, and the hurt kid finally consented. Or maybe he never did consent, I guess I don't know. Either way, all of a sudden the kid started screaming super loud and pleading with the doctor kid not to touch his knee. The ambulance showed up a few minutes later, and someone finally realized that he had the microphone on the entire time and that the audience could hear all of his cursing. So they took off his microphone and took him away... But that kid was never taken away in our hearts, and their he will remain.... Many years have passed since this event, and I have yet to see or hear of a comparable performance. I now go to every musical event with the hopes and expectations that it will be the most entertaining event of my life: either the music will be awesome, or it will suck really bad but someone on stage will entertain us with his broken body. Thank you "Little Orphan Annie," thank you for making all of our lives richer through your suffering. Thank you kid that busted your knee for your poetic fluidity of cursing on stage. Thank you Ginger Hart for being in this production and allowing all of us to have access to this event. And I'd say next time Gin, just let Daddy Warbucks go... That's a picture of me on my hands and knees with my forehead on my skateboard. Don't ask me what I'm doing there because I simply won't tell you. I refuse to.